may we always dance into the night with heavy hearts.

i think a lot of the time we try to convince ourselves that we are this or we are that.

but really we are only this. right now. in this moment.

youll always be my favorite one //

so me and the sister went to the myth yesterday for the honda civic tour with phantom planet, the hush sound, motion city soundtrack and panic at the disco. phantom really really impressed me with their energy. hush sound was talented, but i was just too anxious to see mcs and get off of my feet to get too into it. mcs killed it, per usual. and we left before panic even got on. haha. blah.

my sister had a really good time, i think. there were SO many little emo scene kids there for panic, however, which was mega annoying. i ended up scolding a group of 13yo girls who were attempting to cut in front of us (we were one row behind the sound booth barrier, so really there was no where for them to go). i turned around and said "uhm. do you think you are going to stand in front of us? because all of us here (motion to all the strangers around me who were now watching the convo) have been waiting here all night." the girl just stared at me with horror and didnt move another inch. ha! then the girl next to me looked at me and gave me the "thank you" eyes, and we locked our shoulders together so the little brats could not get through. muahaha. i love that i do not have the young hang-ups anymore of "what are these girls going to think/say of me?" oh middle and high school fears, how glad i am that you are far from me. i think i also gave everyone around me the courage to yell at other cutters too, because everyone around me started to tell them off. quite awesome! the show went well though, and it was great to see justin do his thing again. although it is very strange to see him in his element. so weird. my mind does not grasp that i know him when he is on stage. i just dont know him like that. he was pretty funny during the show, though. saying randomness. we texted a bit after the show, but he was going to dinner with his parents and kari. so i wished him a good tour, and my sis and i left.

there was also funniness with the text message screen. right when i got there i texted "scream if you love justin pierre's hair!" just because it is the most teenybopperish obnoxious thing ever, and i know the real fans hate that shit (i also was bitter at justin that i had to wait in the enormous kidlet line outside). needless to say, tons of people screamed. then pat brown from sing it loud was getting massive love on the text screens for some reason, so i texted him and told him what was up. he was shocked and he ended up coming out and hanging out a bit later. he left early though, because he is leaving to go on tour with my boys the spill canvas. he was really pumped. i was actually texting nick at the time, and told him about how pat cannot wait to meet him, and nick said he was excited to meet them all too. such a small world. all the musicians i know are starting to all tour together. strange planet.

now i am off to coffee with lydia and heather! i love my dates.

these will one day start to be insightful again, i swear.

oh my. still i feel like a lost little puppy. on the brighter side, i have been on a reading binge. i finished best friends and the awakening this week. love it. i am blasting through a novel every other day. at this rate i need to go to a library, stat!

yesterday i went to coffee with mister dan. we gossiped and talked about this upcoming summer. i need to figure out a jungle themed name for my classroom of olderish children. if you have any ideas, let me know.

this morning i picked up justin from his bus and we hung out for a few hours for his birthday day. it was a good time and great to see him after so many months, it seems. he had things to do and people to see and i had major sleep needs, so we cut it short, as i may see him tomorrow roaming at the myth for his show. i am not really excited to see the show, majorly because i cannot deal with the headliner band. buttt my little sister is excited, so that will be fun to expose her to somewhat decent music, opposed to her typically "top 40" music selections.

heather and i have started going on walks at night, which i am really pumped about. i need some sort of exercise in my life, and it is a good time to gossip. haha. i also think lydia wants to meet up for coffee sometime this week. love my girl time!

here are some pictures from the after chaos of the sing it loud / camera can't lie show:

im gradumatated!

oh man. lots to update on, huh?

so my graduation went so well. my mom, dad, sis, and grandpa came out to watch me walk. it was such a surreal experience to walk across that stage knowing i had just recieved a bachalor's degree. bizarre!!! who knew i would finally make it!? afterward my family and i cracked a bottle of chamagne and then went out to dinner. after dinner the fam went home and my sister stayed out for the partying chaos afterward.

202 had some people over and we all celebrated me and jen's graduation day. aww. it was SUCH a perfect last "hoorah" in river falls with my faves. jen obviously, my sis, holly, matt, and later so many other people. even lindsay s. came out to celebrate. i have not seen that girl for at least a year, but i miss and love her so much.
















my sister got in to all of the bars with my id, and i do not remember most of the end of that night. i was absolutely not sober and i can only cringe to remember the silly things i did toward the end of the night. so much fun, however.

now i am in the real world. what will i do? i am unsure. it is still all so strange to me. i will begin to think about it soon enough, why bother worrying right now.

now i am home for adventures. i have missed my friends and blark so very much. i have had a very lame social life the past few months because of school, but now i am free free free to do all things in life. holla!

on thursday dagger, slayer and i went to rilo kiley. all i have to say is that it was one of the best shows i have ever ever seen. she wails. they rock. flawless. it was one of those shows where the entire crowd was there for the music. it made the show. everyone was singing and cheering along in first ave, and it was magical. im not even kidding. magical. what a beautiful way to start the summer.

then us girls went to lyds to watch grey's anatomy. which was pretty good. but at the end we felt like we had just had bad sex, and were left unsatisfied. i mean, really? no one died? really? no one was murdered? really? lame. cute. but lame. saw every part of that episode coming. every part. bleh.

yesterday us girls and sharon went to station 4 for the sing it loud and camera cant lie show. pictures to come. the show was good, and we saw a lot of people we knew, per usual, and afterward we hung out with travis and his friends again. but travis got pouty a lot of the night and was on his sidekick, so we didnt get to hang too much. it was fun though. we went to applebees, met some people having a birthday, sang and played guitar on a rooftop, went to petey's house again. not bad. not bad. but we got so very tired and went home around 3a. the show was def. the highlight. and i got to see miss jackie p. i love that girl. i am so pumped she got the internship at 50records, and i am forcing her to go to deb's party as my date. she will be so perfect for the job, and i think she will learn a ton. that girl is so rad, it hurts.

now i am lazy. just woke up. going to coffee with mister dan in a bit.

that is all. <3

its the small things.

today was my last actual day in a classroom. i did not think it would affect me, it and almost did not phase me until zlogar made me promise to keep in touch and come back to visit the college. after that i stopped by furniss' office (who is the writing center faculty and who i have had for three courses) and he had a gift for me. he gave me the novel middlesex with a nice card inside. with that he hugged me and he too made me promise to keep in touch. i nearly cried. these people have taught me in more ways than just in literature. i really do consider them amazing people, people who i would consider friends, people who i would want to hang out and have some drinks with. they definitely are my role models, and the confidence that they have in me has made me have confidence in myself.

i realize it is the small things that matter. a professor who gives me a book that he thinks i will like. a mixed cd (or a collection of 20+ mixed cds in alphabetical order for my birthday from dagger). a framed picture. a "hello, how are you?" a smile. a hug. a hand held. a thoughtful email. a letter. these small gestures are where meaning is held. these things warm my heart.

its the small things that people do out of an instinctual or genuine nature. these things add up. they show true care, true friendship, true love. with so little to hold on to in this world, i hold onto the little things.

so thank you for those things.

so on monday i went to margot and the nuclear so and so's with dagger and slayer at the turf club in st. paul. what a great show. cameron mcgill opened for them and when margot came on, us girls went to the front and danced and sang our little hearts out. it feels like it has been awhile where i have gone to a show of a national band that i know a lot of songs of. we also definitely harassed the band to play "skeleton key," anddd they did. thank the lord. i can die happy.

the show was somewhat crowded, but it was a perfect amount of people who genuinely loved the music. the guys from the band said it was their best tour date thus far. aww. ryan from small towns was at the show, and i waved a distant hello. miss kari gray was also at the show, and we talked for a little bit after the show. she is definitely a very sweet girl. i am glad i finally have met her after hearing so many good things about her from everyone in this small world.

after the show the guys from both bands ended up hanging out with us. i think we entertained all of the different band members at some point or another throughout the night at our table. we had much conversation about horoscope signs, gang names, and lies. a bunch of the guys wanted to have a dance party, so when the bar closed we all went to margot's school bus that was painted black and gutted out with bunks built in. we all ended up hanging out in the bus for a while and had massive sing-a-longs to the monkeys etc... i love sing-a-longs, especially with people who love music as much as us girls do. there was also a video camera whipped out, so i am checking on the tour video blogs of the guys to see if it gets posted. richard, the lead singer of margot did not seem all-too-thrilled to have this sing-a-long on his bus, as he seems like a pretty withdrawn guy, but i think eventually he somewhat tolerated us, and we bonded momentarily over john cassavetes' genius. upon leaving all of the guys gave hugs, and we all promised to keep in touch via myspace and hang again when they come by minnesota.














such a good night.
and the night was made even better by photoboothness.


lately brian and i have been having a lot of conversations about relationships. him and i both realize that we tend to become involved in strange situations recently with other people, and we just do not have time to dedicate to someone else right now. i definitely realize that being single is a great thing. obviously i love the comfort of someone else, etc... but until it comes and it feels right, i just am not going to worry about. i have too much going on, too much fun in the single arena. plus, i have amazing friends and family to love instead. i mean, cmon, i am pretty much dating dagger and slayer. like i would even have time for anyone else! ;]

alright. off to eat and do some more homework. <3

yikes.

whew. only two more things to do to finish up finals week. not bad. not bad. i survived! i am excited to get back to real life asap. i have an interview with adventures plus tomorrow to be a site leader for this summer for the kidlets, which would be really good for me money and motivation wise. i also made a hair appointment for monday, because i feel like i look like a trash heap with massive roots. i am also considering getting a pre-summer manicure/pedicure. although i will never ever keep on it. i might as well spend my tax return money while i have it? yes?

oh man. i fail.

more later.

and i wish you were with me.

yesterday i worked on a paper from 11a to 11p. no lie. this is my life.

i definitely feel like a robot without any social life, but i cannot wait for school to be done so that i can hang out with everyone again. i want shows, bonfires, and adventures asap! i promise i will be back in action after the 17th.

tomorrow i get to see margot & the nuclear so and so's with dagger and slayer. cannot wait! after that it is another week of hell. four more papers to write and two tests. yikes.

upcoming excitements:

1. the camera cant lie / sing it loud show on the 24th.
2. motion city show on may 27th
3. the last this world fair show on june 7th
4. my grad open house on june 21st (mark your calenders for chaos!)

i also realized today (after going to church with the fam) that pentecost mass music is my favorite. i allows me to tolerate sitting and kneeling and standing so much.

also, the english department picnic on friday was fucking blastastic. i was looking forward to it all week. a few of us cool kids pre-partied with 40s and strongbows before hand, and then we showed up to party and eat with all of the rad profs. i seriously love all of my english professors so so very much. i can talk to all of them like i would talk to a friend. we all laughed, gossiped and hung out for much of the night. i also made many of them promise that they would not fail me so that i can graduate. i worry about these things! ha.

i apologize for the lack of showing my face around town lately. i mean well, but have no time or energy to do anything at this time. FAR too much to do.

last day of school ever!

the only love poem we can afford in this era:

Lullaby

Lay your sleeping head, my love,
Human on my faithless arm;
Time and fevers burn away
Individual beauty from
Thoughtful children, and the grave
Proves the child ephemeral:
But in my arms till break of day
Let the living creature lie,
Mortal, guilty, but to me
The entirely beautiful.

Soul and body have no bounds:
To lovers as they lie upon
Her tolerant enchanted slope
In their ordinary swoon,
Grave the vision Venus sends
Of supernatural sympathy,
Universal love and hope;
While an abstract insight wakes
Among the glaciers and the rocks
The hermit's carnal ecstasy.

Certainty, fidelity
On the stroke of midnight pass
Like vibrations of a bell
And fashionable madmen raise
Their pedantic boring cry:
Every farthing cost,
All the dreaded cards foretell,
Shall be paid, but from this night
Not a whisper, not a thought,
Not a kiss nor look be lost.

Beauty, midnight, vision dies:
Let the winds of dawn that blow
Softly round your dreaming head
Such a day of welcome show
Eye and knocking heart may bless,
Find our mortal world enough;
Noons of dryness find you fed
By the involuntary powers,
Nights of insult let you pass
Watched by every human love.

- W. H. Auden

i have no choice but to be vicious on my feet //

heather, lydia and i went to the camera can't lie / a verse unsung show on saturday. although i had much homework to do, i had to remind myself that i did indeed still have a social life. heather and i stayed for the entire show, and ended up hating ourselves for not going to any ccl shows before. we are idiots. good-looking and talented boys they are. needless to say we ended up making fast friends with travis, their guitarist, and his old bandmate koko. we adventured over to their friend's 21st birthday party. where a few of us decided to have a private showing of the movie "american psycho," which i had never seen before. in any event, the night turned out better than we could have even planned, and i cannot wait to hang out with those boys again. actually, i am really excited.

it is good to meet new people and find new crowds.

other than that, i still have very much to do. and should currently be doing it. but i thought i would share with you the happiness that was saturday, because i am still smiling.

not just for me, but for anyone //

if justin ever again tells me that he cannot sing,
i will swiftly punch him in the throat.

motion city soundtrack has new acoustic tracks up on iTunes.

they are so pretty, it hurts.
so go support.
you can preview here.

my horoscope today:

You are totally drawn in by a book, movie, person or event that is pushing all your buttons. It's a good time to let your mind go wherever it's destined to go -- struggling won't help you!

yes, yes i am aware that sounds awfully vague, but i read it right after watching "pride and prejudice" with my mother, who had never seen it before. i must say that mr. darcy always makes me cry in happiness and lifts my spirits to daydreams about finding my very own mr. darcy. sigh...

in other news, jen very graciously sent me a job opportunity for a warped tour position. like she told me, the job seems right up my alley, so i sent in my resume. if i get it, and it can somewhat cover my bills, i am absolutely in in in. i know it would be exhausting and hard work, but what an ideal for me. just what i want to do. thanks jen!!!

i also got my proactiv in the mail today. is it totally pathetic that i am so excited about it? i used to use it, but then became college poor. i am still college poor, but i think it is totally worth the money. i love that stuff. now i feel like my face is rolling high class style with that and my bare minerals. fuck yeaaahh.

this weekend i plan to do a crap ton of homework, but heath and i are going to check out camera can't lie and a verse unsung tomorrow at station 4. we need a new crowd. boo to lydia for not being able to come. ;]

despite the storms raging outside of my window, life has unexpectedly lightened. there are several situations for which i could dwell and be down about, but i suddenly have this surge of happiness and confidence in myself. i always realize that i have such an amazing support system of good friends and family members. i think that that support system makes life worth living.

amen. end transmission.

change.

this is my supervisor's one word a day video. so rad. watch out for the word "feels" and a group of people saying it (it is all of us 50records staff at our christmas party).

enjoy!

every man is an island.

but let us try to keep a free trade policy operating.

this american life.

i have recently subscribed to chicago's "this american life" podcast. if you have never listened to this radio segment, i really encourage you to check it out.

it usually has about four parts to it where people talk about their own lives, and each show has its own interesting topic. each story gives such a unique and surreal insight into these people's lives.

my favorite segment was on "testosterone." i feel like it gave me an interesting take on what it is like to be a man, whether or not it was a completely total and accurate assessment.

my favorite part of it was called "infinite gent." a man who was once a lesbian woman is interviewed about his transformation with testosterone from a woman to a man. he talked about how before he took injections (which gave him double the amount of testosterone in a man) he would see an attractive woman on the subway, and he would have an internal dialogue about why he would want to meet the woman and why he was attracted to her. after the injections the internal dialogue was completely gone. he would see a woman on the subway, even a woman with just one attractive feature (like nice ankles), and all of a sudden images would flood his head. he felt like he was in a continually playing pornographic movie. everything would send his thoughts to sex. he also began to be unable to relate to women, and had to retrain himself in how to talk to them and how to watch his words.

absolutely interesting.

so, in conclusion, you should go subscribe to this podcast and broaden your understanding of this bizarre human race and possibly learn something about yourself.