friday's chaos.

marshall's benefit.

followed by augustana's list at the varsity.
-jared is the sweetest man. so thankful to know him.

lots of dancing and singing.

followed by an escape to the mug.

a lot of drinks.

followed by heather having to pull off the road so that i would not ruin her car interior.

yikes.

another good night.

insomnia.

I want to live my life under a magnifying glass, to burn away the excess. Peel layers of skin underneath the summer sun. If I could only suck on sugar cane and drink lime colored cocktails, perhaps then I could waif away until I would be so small as to build myself a castle to stow away in.

One day she would find me painted into a corner, poised against a wall, and she would ask, "Why ever so still?"

"I feel like I belong in a photograph."

She would pull out boxes of black and whites from underneath the bed frame, show them to me in droves, pointing at all of my captured features--the candids, the poses, the backgrounds.

But I felt in those, those are memories. I feel like a shot without intent.

She would scold me, "You should eat something, you look too thin.

And I would think--the less of me, the less to break.

life is not a play--it's what we make of the people we love.

1. new pics added to post below from saturday madness at troc's for the readygoes show and heather's first night out since baby whitwhit was born.
2. saw whitney today, and i am in love all over again--every time. even my sister says he is the most BEAUTIFUL baby boy she has ever beheld. truth. big truth. perfection.
3. got a lot of things done today. it feels good to be productive.
4. start big workout routine tomorrow.
5. people have been wonderfully great today.
   
6. work is hectic, but good. i feel like i am earning my keep.
7. this makes me giggle something fierce:

Win a Trip To See MCS in Vegas!

need i say more?

oh and you know it's such a drag.

Since you left, she's a mess.
She regrets all the things that she could've said.
But we fall asleep, never think of anything.

I met Emily in a place I refer to as "Spain." A quaint little establishment with an atmosphere reminiscent of stale cigarettes and perfectly ripe oranges. We did not trip into each other, as much as we fell for one another.

Emily reminds me on a weekly basis to calm down. She is the sea without sight of land, and I am the coast. I would only convert to her religion, if my current would not keep heaving me onto the angry children with soggy castle mounds. She guides the people on her turf, I just piss mine off. I want to rebuild, but she says that it is no use living that way.

I rarely tell her, but when I see her I nearly always think I see myself--although she possesses much better form. I would even go as far as to call her my savior, although she would balk to hear such a thing. Emily absolutely detests flattery, and will have none of it. I tell her it isn't flattery when it is true. She pretends to have not heard me over the blare of electronic notes timing out of our car's stereo.

What I envy most is Emily's ability to compartmentalize things without limiting their potential. For instance, I store everyone in boxes labeled:

"I need you, I think"
"I miss you most days"
"I miss you when it suits me"
"I cannot live with out you"
"I cannot live with out you, but only if you stop drinking and wearing that hat"
"I don't like you, but I will always love you"
"I hate you, but call me in fifty-two days and I will probably pick up the phone"
"You are an awful human being, but I still want to fix you"
"You are wondrous, and I love you"
"Please never go away"
"You are weird, do not ever look at me again, thanks"
"If we pretend real hard, then I think we could be okay"
"Soul mate: keep forever"

If you offend Emily, her good opinion is lost forever and you get thrown into an unmarked box near her fireplace. If you happen to redeem yourself before the next time it snows, then you are saved. If not--your sore luck.

Everyone else is put into boxes labeled:

"Think about"
"Do not think about"

It is as simple as that. Emily is a genius. I, however, am too bogged down with fear and anxiety to be a genius. That may be her secret.

Once I asked her, "Why is it that we so often ascribe a familiar fantasy to a person? We weave them a new name, and eventually we forget what they really looked like in the first place. Why can't we just look with flawed eyes into flawed eyes?"

Emily stared at me with blank confusion.

Emily is a genius.

epic.

watch this.

hysteria, hysteria.

this last weekend was wonderful.

my favorite day was sunday, when i picked justin up from the airport in the early morning hours. he was in town for twenty-four hours, so that he could go to his little sister's high school grad party. i had already planned to go, but i was quite "yayed" that he decided to fly in for it as well. we got there early (after he showed me around his home town and told me all of his memories of the streets and buildings), helped set up the catered acapulco (mmm), and waited for people to arrive. the party was really entertaining and enjoyable. i got to meet several relatives, neighbors, and old friends. justin has this hilarious way of introducing me by my full name, plus my "vicious" thrown in there somewhere. i have to remind him, "one name is enough." he cracks me up. he was so talkative and energized all day to everyone, and it was cool to see him in his element and hear some of his childhoodish stories. AND i also made him pull out the home videos and pictures. LOVE! i relish seeing people i know as young humans, before i knew they existed.

we ended up staying there until midnight, or later. i absolutely adore his family and everyone connected to them. what a hilarious, kind, and eclectic group.

early next morning i drove him back to the airport.

i HAVE decided, however, that i will be going to the las vegas shows to see him. he asked again, and i realized it is completely worth it to go. my sister will also happen to be out there at the same time. i am pumped to hang out with the other girlfriends/fiancees/wives. and i am really excited to see MCS open for Blink 182 two nights in a row. i am not a huge fan of vegas, but with jp--it will be good.

heather got her hair cut, and looks like a rock and roll glam goddess! i love it. whitney is also the most adorable thing i have ever seen. he is focusing a lot more now, and he is smiling more. i may be completely and utterly in love with him. scratch that--am in love with him.

today i plan to write, write, write. i had ideas swirling around my head all night.

other than that i have been working a lot this week. we are getting ready for summer. basically i spent this week decorating my room to look like outerspace (yesss!).

i have a video that i am really excited to post, but i am saving it until i know it is appropriate to do so.

I never confused what I had with what I was.

When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible.

things i am looking forward to:

hanging with all of my friends i recently got back in touch with.

seeing whitney continue to grow up. he already is so much more aware. insane. i am quite in love with a boy who does not even know my name yet. how typical.

attending jessica and jesse's wedding in august! i am so jazzed to be able to witness this perfection known as "barf time" eternalized. and i am grateful that i can be a part of such an important moment for two rad human beings. quite looking toward this point in my summer.

reading and writing like a madwoman in the next few summer months.

reading list:

-good omens (finish)
-pride and prejudice and zombies (finish)
-the brothers karamazov (finish)
-the poisionwood bible (finish)
-persuasion
-sense and sensibility
-emma
-the long goodbye
-the sweet hereafter
-eat, pray, love
-confessions of an economic hitman
-the satanic verses
-fountainhead
-rule of the bone

i also want to read more salinger, fitzgerald, hemingway, kerouac, sedaris, and vonnegut.

don't fail me now.

with loving hands, knowing evil will prevail.

this week i have found myself realizing that to make my days more fulfilling, i need to expand my friend base and make some qualifying effort.

lately i feel like i am starting over at age twenty-four. my previous friend group has splintered and faltered, in parts. the parts that remain are quality, but there are parts of it that are just toxic to my growth and sanity.

for the first time since middle school, i have begun to again feel the sting of loneliness in the social arena. everyone has started their own families, become routine idiots, do not include or invite, or have invested themselves in lifestyles that do not suit me anymore. i am left wondering where i fit in with my remaining group of friends--what i can contribute anymore.

therefore, i have made efforts lately to reach out to some of the wonderful, interesting humans that i have lost touch with.

i am making plans, filling up my calender, and allowing myself to attend unfamiliar gatherings and events.

this is highly unusual for me.

i am trying.

thus far i have gone to a rad "rock and roll pool party" hosted by the organization rock the cause. that night included a heated pool, a tiki bar, live music outside, and many minneapolis industry folk i have not seen in a while. it was well worth the decision to go.

today i went out for coffee, electric fetus action, and a house party gathering with tommy. many hours with good company and conversation.

tomorrow i catch up with my triple threat girls.

next week i have plans with my old college roommate/church friend carly and her fiancee (and my friend) patrick, possibly with sara k., and jackie pierre's graduation party.

future plans with other amazing individuals this month and others to come.

i think this is a step toward the direction of a more rewarding and diverse circle of friends.

i am excited.

i leave you with this new MCS webisode. buy their album when it comes out, or perish.

cliches i can live by.

enjoy the little things.
enjoy the little things while you have them.
take those risks.
it is always better to have tried, than to regret never knowing.
listen more than you speak.
people can change (only as they grow), i have seen it happen.
have a little more faith in others.
those who refuse to grow, however, cut away.
eliminate the toxic ones, you will be better for it.
people will always disappoint you with their behavior.
people will always surprise you with their love.