the only thing more painful than being an active forgetter is to be an inert rememberer.

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.

a to do list (see: goals).

if i eat meat, it must be non - factory farmed meat
-seafood is still being eaten
-two weeks of accomplishment here
-just found out that chipotle is safe
-i need to not eat so much cheese

eliminate soda
-pretty good for about two weeks (minus mixed drinks)

quitting the thing i have tried to quit many times before
-three days accomplished (this is big, folks)
-i do not feel run over by a metaphorical truck when i wake up anymore

work out more
-have done twice a week on average
-most days i do not want to get out of bed, let alone sweat

floss every day
-am making it at least 5 times a week

drink more water
-FAIL


so far i feel healthier (even if it is untrue). i feel like i look better (skin, shape, etc...). and i feel like i am more alive during the day (this is a good thing).

what are some of the things you are working on doing? any new years resolutions being met? healthy goals? anything? i am doing well now, but i make no promises on my progress in the next few months...

delicious.

fight back in the pouring rain.

This weekend was quite eventful. My mind is still blown from much of it.

Valentine's day came and passed without being able to see my honey, since he is on tour. But it was made perfect through the presents and phone calls by him.

On Saturday I received two packages. On containing these two books:I had recently expressed to him how excited I was to read these two books, but that I had to go buy them first. He, as good boyfriends do, listened and remembered. I was so flippin' excited when I opened the package. These two books were EXACTLY what I wanted without really realizing it.

Next came a package shaped sort of like a flower box, which confused me, because Justin doesn't really seem like the type who would ship flowers to me (he is just more unconventional than that). So when I opened this box, I smiled very, very big in surprise and excitement. Now, to make it clear why this present means something, my power animal is a flamingo. It is a tradition among our friends, that we all have power animals that are given to us. Mine is that, and a long time ago, I bestowed the power animal of the jackalope onto Justin and bought him a stuffed one. Now we both have power animal gifts. And mine stands over two feet tall, and when I say stands, I mean it actually can stand up. Totally goofy, and all of my friends agreed that he knew me very well--and what a perfect gift it is.

So although Valentine's went very well considering that Justin was not near, us girls all still decided to go out together to celebrate our girl-love for one another. We choose, on Saturday, to go to our friends' show, the Readygoes/White Light Riot show at the 7th street entry. Larissa and Casey also decided to meet up with us, which was better than perfect, and we even ran into Meg (who I had not seen in such a long time). Of course we took up the whole first row, and dominated the dancing/singing-out-loud part of the crowd.

(Lydia, Me, Heather, Casey, Larissa, Meg)

After the show, our good friend Mike Minehart decided he would graciously allow us to accompany him to the Funhouse in Uptown. I. Was. So. Excited.

I had heard so much, from Laura, Gabe, and Mike, about this place. I was dying to see it with my own eyes, and Saturday night I was able to. My mind was officially freaked out. I had jumped down the rabbit hole. The place is full of trap doors and themed rooms. One room you are sitting in first class of an airplane, one room is a diner, one room is a log cabin, and on and on it goes.

For instance. You go into this phone booth. Push through the wall (if you know where to), and...

You are in the balcony that looks like a movie theater, and if you look over the railing, below you is a full sized venue. WHAT!?You go through the New Orleans room's secret wall or you slide down a bat pole, and you enter the Twilight Zone room.You go to the kitchen and push through a wall, and wa-la! It flips into a another room!And in the kitchen, there is a giant teacup that you sit in. WHAT?!Here is a limited, outdated view of this place. Unreal.

By the way, vegetarianism (with fish still being eaten) is happening now! It has been about a week, and so far I do not even think about it. We will see how it progresses... Thanks for all of your ideas and support!

Call it residual blues.

Winter gets the best of me every time.

The Vegetarian Crisis.

Lately I have been confronted with a lot of information from several different sources and angles nudging me to go toward the light of vegetarianism...

Now, I love meat. I don't have a problem eating animals and feeling like I am in the wrong for eating a-once-living-thing. The thing I am becoming more and more bothered by is the condition in which all of these animals are raised and slaughtered. I am a meat lover, but I also consider myself pro-animal (if that doesn't come off too hypocritical). No living thing should have to suffer long-term under circumstances that could be prevented.

I think to myself, "Hey, I don't need a whole lot of diversity in my food."

I could live on veggie nuggets (which I loved as a child), salads (with bleu cheese, because I will not give up cheese at this point), cheese pizzas, cucumbers, carrots, veggie burgers (which I eat right now anyway), and coffee.

But what else? What makes becoming a vegetarian easier? What foods could I add to my menu? Note: I do not cook. I do not like to make a fuss. I am a comfort-creature. What I get would have to be gotten from a place like Cub Foods or Target grocery.

Anyone have any insights, personal experiences, or ideas?

I would be interesting in trying it out for a bit while I research more in depth about the topic (I am excited to read Eating Animals by Jonathan Safran Foer who is my favorite author).

Colts or Saints?

I prefer a good book. ;]

Always running out of time...

So hell froze over this past Sunday and turned into a lovely land of flowers and rainbows when my former pseudo-arch-enemy Sarah and I went to dinner. For the past few years Sarah and I have strongly "disliked" each other due to our preconceived notions of who one another were or represented. I will not get into details, because details don't matter. We had never officially met, and last year we realized that carrying around bad blood is a bad thing in this short life!

Dinner was fabulous. Sarah is a very intelligent, well-grounded, beautiful, and honest human being. I loved spending much time and many drinks with her. She made it very un-awkward, because she is so open--and thank god for that. I cannot wait to hang out with her, and her girlfriends, one day soon again. It was such a strange experience talking with someone for the first time, who you feel like you have known for ages in the first place. So very glad it happened.On Tuesday, I headed to The Beat Coffeehouse with all of my wonderfully dedicated friends to watch Motion City Soundtrack on Jimmy Fallon. Dave and Brittany came up with a kick-ass plan to host a pot-luck viewing party at the unofficial MCS hotspot when they are in Minnesota recording. Dave, the barista, was so excited about hosting it--which made things so much fun. He was playing MCS-related music the whole time previous to the show, and upwards of 30-40 people showed up to support. I cannot tell you how great it was to be in a room that was so proud of their local band. Can I also say that my friends are the best for coming out on a Tuesday to support the boyfriend and the band? A big thanks to Heather, Casey, Laura, Larissa, Brittany (who helped plan it--and basically I jumped on her bandwagon), and Lydia (all pictured below) and Mike Minehart (for taking the picture as well).
When they went on, on the big screen and surround sound, everyone cheered loudly. I think they did a fabulous job. Especially since Justin was so nervous--but it turned out perfectly! What a FUN night. It was also great seeing Tommy, Josh, Jim, and meeting some others.

Some things I am excited about include investing in my new electrical toothbrush (which I am still trying to get used to. The tickleness makes me cry and laugh during brushing), getting my hair done (thank the lord), and the radical individuals who are delivering my letters to Justin along certain dates of his tour (thank you!!!). I am already counting down the days until my birthday, when I see JP again. And Valentine's Day will be celebrated with my girls this year, which is fine by me!