when the woman that you love is gone, she's bombing east japan.

but i am back now, so no fear! i am still recovering from the immense amount of travelling! i will update asap with a summary of my adventure and some pictures. thank you for the cheers to my spur of the moment escape to the other side of the globe!!!

as of this afternoon...

i am in japan. unexpected adventure. it is amazing. surreal. nothing i could have imagined. it is just like it is in the movies, but so much cooler. this is all for now.

Silver Bonaparte is the psycho-killer blonde I met last month at this grocery store rave in Northeast. "Pour me another one," I ask her politely, whilst she sidesips my martini with her neon blue straw. A naked dip in the neighbor's pool. Silver doesn't follow normal codes of conduct. In the short time I have know her, I have known her to; rescue nine dogs from the inhumanity of leashes, and therefore their tyrant masters; cement sixteen yellow "deaf child" signs into the lawns of governmental office buildings; and hold three ex-lovers hostage until they would give her back her heart.

"Love is a dangerous angel," Silver sits tall and squares herself to my hunched shoulders, "And I love danger."

I don't face her; her eyes are looking to ignite something, and I am full of doused ideas.

I pick apart a napkin with some hopeful's telephone number scrawled across it--not my napkin, but Silver's, "Love just leaves me bleu--aged and sour."

I meander on about the vanity of blacks and purples, the cross-stitching of lives, and the absurdity of painted glass. Silver's eyes never leave my hands while I speak. I imagine she sees how unsteady they are, how faltering.

Before I duck my head to say goodbyes, she digs her violet nails into my arm and demands, "Never leave bed before high noon, never apologize, and never--don't ever--let them take you dead. Fight like hell before you have to sink your teeth in."

I think Silver is a beautiful vampire, living eras before her time. She fights wars while the humans dream away the twilight, twisted around their worser halves. She wants me to fight too, but I can't sell my life to some cause--I am too busy trying to own mine.

dinosaur shadow puppet eating finger-palm tree, duh.

thank god for credit cards.

tonight i started my dance class at the old studio i used to compete at, QC dance. the class is an 18+ alumni group. lately my trusty metabolism has been slowing a bit, and i know i need to get exercise somehow. unfortunately, i hate exercise. ha. so i was pumped when i saw that this class was being offered. i know half of the people in the class from previous years at dance, and i feel like i am keeping up enough, for not having danced in seven years. yikes. i am glad i found something constructive to do with my wednesday nights!

my finances have been cut a bit after paying all of my student loans and bills, so i had less money in my account than i thought i would have. i love my credit card. paid for my class with it, and i will pay for my upcoming hair coloring/cut on the 30th. i love getting my hair done. makes me feel like a new woman. haha. i think i will be going a bit darker for winter, and i may be dying my purple chunks a brown. i eventually want to phase them out, despite how much i love them, but they have the reddish tint that does not pull out of blonde hair easily. meh. i will cross that bridge when i get to it, i suppose!

anyway. 'tis all for now.

hush now.

sometimes i have found that silence is the most effective form of communication. most often, it leads others to desperately fill the quiet. in this desperation, people show their true colors and reveal too much. silence can be one of the deadliest weapons of all.

i'll fight her wars, and she'll smite my enemies.

saint cloud was a hot mess. apparently it was their homecoming, so everyone had been drinking since the early morning. trust me. you could tell. needless to say, we all hid in a corner booth upstairs until readygoes went on stage. in the meantime, however, several creepy men thought they had the right to leer, lean, and talk all over our table. gross. the couple next to us got in a fight and the guy smashed his beer bottle all over the table. scary. reminded me of an ex boyfriend i have, and made me feel sorry for the girl. yikes. those are the types of guys you need to run, run, run away from. finally we cautiously made out way onto the dance floor. the boys went on, mike minehart showed up, as did eckum and his sister, rachel. us girls put "blinders" on and danced our way past the annoyances of the surrounding crowd. halfway through the two hour set we had to take a break and get away from the drunken masses. at this point, though, several drunk blonde girls around us had knocked lydia's drinks down her back, down her front, and all over the floor. lydia was getting feisty, and iiiiii love feisty lydia. we snuck out back to take some jag shots from a flask, as we were definitely needing a pick-me-up. we entered back inside, but heather and laura informed us that the blonde girls were talking amongst themselves about how they wanted to fight lydia. oh. bring it on. we were more than ready to settle the score in spite of all of these ridiculous people. the girls spilt lydia's drink again, of course we were expecting it, and it happened. lydia got in her face telling her to settle down. the girl was a mess and shouting randomness back at lydia. finally lydia smashed the girl's drink to the floor (glorious!!!) "how do you like that?" the girl was stunned. both of them started getting in each others faces more. as this happens, her friends stand (or rather, drunkenly lean) behind drunk blonde girl and all of us girls go to lydia's side. laura crosses her arms. i stand stone still behind lydia eyeing the chic. heather casually puts her arm around lydia's front to hold her back, as the drunk blonde girl's friend does the same to her friend. finally we pull them apart. the drunk blonde girl is freaking out, explaining how much she hates lydia to her friend, and looks at me (still staring her down) and says "and look at her friend!!! see!?!" i ask "what?!" she then attempts to "burn" me by making fun of my "team edward" shirt. but unfortunately she is too intoxicated to read, and she obviously does not read twilight in her spare time. she stumbles "easm edward? what the fuck does that mean?!" i laugh and reply calmly, "oh honey, if you weren't so drunk, you would maybe be able to read. pathetic." she spits and stutters, "you're ugly!!!" lydia lunges at the drunk blonde girl, ready to punch. heather pulls her away again. me, calmly, "well you're fat." okay. i realize that saying that to anyone is an awful thing to do. but i wanted to wind her up. she really was not THAT fat, but, yeah. i can be malicious. she, with mouth hanging open, "what are you talking about!?!" heather then proceeds to show her with spacing her thumb and forefinger apart, "thin. fat. thin. fat." the girl comes after me. i smile languidly. enjoying every second. finally her friends pull her away while she is fuming mad. us girls just laugh and dance in a circle. we finally got our aggressions out on someone in this stupid crowd. awful, but amazzziinnggg. meanwhile, all of her friends kept coming up to lydia apologizing for their friend's behavior. lydia is a scary mofo when she wants to be, and they were obviously intimidated. loved it. anyway. the show continues. mo comes down into the crowd and plays a guitar part in the middle of us girls. heather steals shackle's hat and rocks it. shackle sings to us as we make faces. show ends. we all go back to the hotel. pajama part it up. the guys arrive back to their hotel room one floor above us. we grab ice and make our way up to their joint. instead of walking, i choose to gallop and whinny, which the hotel manager and security apparently do not appreciate. they yell at me to calm down, and begin their chase of us. we run upstairs and lock ourselves quietly in the boys' room. security then finds all of us, knocks on the door, and yells again. jerks. we were not even being loud. the loudest thing in the room was the television (which was playing a star trek movie, because i demanded it to be so). our room leaves after the second security threat and runs back downstairs with security tailing us. we lock in and almost fall asleep, but then rachel, her friend, and some of the guys come back down to hang. we drink some jag, they drink some vodka, we all play musical rooms, and eventually fall asleep around 5:00 am, after a few more security threats. they totally hated us...
in the morning we all trudged to the green mill, where i got their mushroom and something tortellini. i was having cravings. ate. joked around. watched some high-def football (and pretended to get into it, when in reality i think the vikes are a total joke). and left. poor lydia was not feeling well at all. we drove home to our respective cities, and all of us probably slept for a combined 298,498 hours.

this was saint cloud. it was pretty awful, but some of the awfulness made it interesting. i swear, saint cloud is totally a bermuda triangle. every time we go there it ends up being the STRANGEST night ever, in some way or another.

p.s. do not point and give the "rock-n-roll" hand gesture at band members an entire show like you know them, just to look cool. you don't.

p.p.s. dinosaur shadow puppets eating palm tree fingers are boss.

a preview

p.s.

1. my mom just told me that my hair looks like something crawled up and died in it. awesome!!!
2. i saw and HAD to buy a "team edward" shirt. oh yes, homies. i WILL be wearing it tonight. prepare for pictures. ::cullen swoon::
3. after going to the pumkin patch and seeing some kittens this week, and after seeing jessica's new kitties... i wannnnnt one.

a lot of words, a lot of updates.

how could i hype up the matches show so much and then not post about it the second after? i am ridiculous. forgive. it has been a long week, with little sleep, and a lot of working.

so friday rolls around, and i am excited out of my mind, like said. dylan confirmed list spot that day, which was nicer than nice, since i have not seen him for ages. heather and i head down to the triple rock an hour early to eat some delicious blts and mashed potatoes and gravy (the latter was heather's idea). right when we pull up we see dlyan playing guitar outside. it amazingly was a beautiful day (with it having been raining in the early morning). we hug. we giggle. we are back in love. jon is sleeping on the concrete next to us, as he had gotten a bit intoxicated the night before. he immediately pops up and begins conversations. i thought he said he had pooped his pants, he thought i said my name was linda. fair trade. ben walks by doing his job of loading and unloading, we exchange hellos. heather and i make our way into the bar. eat. some guy thinks i am a druggie, as i scream "where's my queludes!?!" but i swear i was just quoting almost famous. mo arrives. i made him go. bought his ticket. knew he would enjoy. we also needed male support, so we did not look like groupie girls (which we sort of are when it comes to this band). ben and dylan stroll around to the front and we chat about myspace phishing, strip clubs, and people who hate us. they leave. kari gray arrives. we all go inside, i buy shots of "minnesota nice" that kari swears are good because they are a pink color, but which the bartender apparently HATES making. i end up buying six of them, and tipping a million dollars to salvage the relationship that i have with the person making my drinks. we cheers to unicorns, the color purple, and cities beginning in the letter 'r.' wonderful. starting to feel it. the show is about to begin. we make our way inside. packed with 12yo emo kids and dudes who look like they should be at a wrestling match. matches goes on...

delicious.

mosh pits ensue. mo protects. heather and i dance like fools. mo pretends to not know us. i scream "i love you dylan!" dylan makes a "yessss" pumping motion with his fist and laughs. shawn is screaming and falling all into the crowd. crowd is wild. went by far too fast. mo loved it. heather and i obviously adored it. we walk by shawn and tell him "good show" and that he should come join us in the bar for a drink. a few minutes later, kari walks in with him and beats me to it--buying him a "minnesota nice" which the bartender STILL hates. kari asks why she hates it, i never heard the reason. shawn sits patiently in our circle. heather is quiet and cute, i know she is dying inside. mo makes some comment about bacon night, and how it should be wednesday. he then says that "salad is what food eats." this may be true, but the fact that shawn is a vegetarian may pose a problem to both of these comments. we all ponder what the cards stuck to the ceiling are stuck with. we conclude--tacks. ben comes, i buy him a drink. where is dylan? i demanded he drink with me. apparently, dylan had justin's old I.D. unfortunately, triple rock hates everyone and took it from him. he is stuck out back. luckily, i have a case of premos in the back of my car. i meet him there, force a beer down his throat, and we pee standing next to each other next to some poor shrub. sorry shrub. i go back in to discover conversations had happened without me. mo and shawn had talked about being born and what it would feel like, coming back as dinosaurs, and who knows what else. shawn asked heather where her "funny friend" is (me), because how do you know what a lego person is without their head? what!? heather told him she always wanted to have a beard. weird. i buy ben a drink. i drink more. we all drink more. the guys have bus call soon, we all walk back to the vans for goodbyes. we hug. we laugh. we cry without the crying part. perfect night. perfect.

heather, mo, and i all follow kari to her place, she jumps in my car. we sing margot and talk about bastards who stole her tamborine. boo. we arrive at the ugly mug. free cover thanks to mo. i buy drinks for all. run into gabe. kari runs into her friends. i do not remember much after this. eventually i say farewell to kari with promises of hangs soon. we (i) stumble to luce where we meet lydia (where did she come from?). we get two salads and about eight pieces of pizza between us. total? $3. i love people knowing people who work there. amen! we eat. i bitch about my fanta girl dreams. we all leave. part ways. the end of nights.

sunday all of blark went to the spirit of '76 show at the triple rock. farewell continental was opening. i know four out of the five members. was interested in seeing them do their thing. waited for them to begin. in the mean time said hello and chatted it up with the singer's family. adore them. said hello to the piano player who was headed backstage. and waited. strange. ski masks (to conceal idenity). a lot of long interludes of whining guitars and synth notes. four songs. very strange experience. interested to see if the gimmick will continue and if it will draw people in. and no i will not tell you who is behind the masks. all of us (blark) began to drink some more. hung around for spirit. they were good, not the best i have seen them, but good none the less.

in consequence to all of these good hangs, heather and i missed the melismatics' cd release party with white light riot. oops.

since then i have worked a ton. figured out my head a bit more (stabilized). realized how much i love my job. it is so rewarding to work with crazy little kidlets. they say the funniest things, have so much potential, and i feel like i have the capability to influence them in their lives. i love it all.

tonight us girls are roadtripping up to saint cloud for our boys' band, readygoes, show at the red carpet. lydia, heather, laura, and i all got a hotel room together (to save ourselves from hanging outside until 4am wondering what we will do). the triple threat is going up early, so that we can hang out in the whirlpool and relax before the show. i refuse to get as ridiculous as i was last time i went to the red carpet. i looked at my check card statement and understood how i forgot the entire night last time. i spent $41. drinks are like a dollar. did i buy the whole bar drinks!? no. i drank them myself. i am an idiot. never again. so in any event, it should be a good time. i will update later with pictures and events.

thanks for reading.

smiling.

i just went to the gas station by my house to pick up a few things before the show tonight, and the older lady behind the counter, who i have never seen before, says, "you are just a stunning woman. some people are cute, pretty, or sweet looking, but you are just striking." the line behind me then proceeded to add their two cents. "beautiful eyes," etc... that was the nicest thing i have heard in a long time, especially from strangers. it is crazy how much one small compliment from someone with no personal investment means. i will be smiling all weekend now. i must "pay it forward" thrice fold. sometimes life and people surprise me for the better.

MORE IMPORTANTLY

video time!

i am going to bed early tonight, because it is like christmas tomorrow! the matches!!! dylan, their new bassist who i met at sxsw and became friends with (while he was in a different band at the time), texted me today and wanted to put me on the list and said he was super jazzed for hangs tomorrow. i cannot wait to see him. i cannot wait to see the matches again and rock out. and most of all, i cannot wait for dagger to see them preform! here is my favorite video of theirs, so that if you do not know of these boys, you can get a taste of them. dylan is not in this video, as he was not a part of the band at this time. it is for the song "salty eyes."



and my friend nick's new video, "saved," just came out from the spill canvas. i am digging on his new style! very proud of him. check out the video below.





life is good. life is good. life. is. SO. good.
even though my body is dying.

may your organs fail before your dreams fail you.

i think it is interesting that the people who are most insecure about their lives are the ones to critique mine like they know it. like they know me at all, or anymore. they are the ones to prove themselves and their accomplishments against mine. they pay more attention to what i am doing than to the good things in their life. they feel some sort of ownership of what i do, how i feel, who i am, and who i know.

i make my own life. you make yours.

let us both live those lives happily and separately. realize that you are only going to make yourself crazy bothering yourself over someone, like me, who is apparently "fake, insane, selfish, awful, vindictive, yellow, cactus, apple, [insert whatever else ridiculous adj./noun you feel like using here]."

lives collide and then divert. it is the nature of things. i may have bumped into yours at one point, but that does not mean you have anything to do with me and mine anymore. no one is perfect. i am not. you are not. i do not claim to be. and i do not expect you to be. there are things i admire about you. and there are things i like about myself. but i try not to dwell on any of that, especially if you are not a part of my sphere.

let's move on now.
i grow weary from these circles.

mad men

my mother and i are currently obsessed with the show mad men. i know jessica has mentioned it in her previous posts, but we just bought the first season's dvds. love it.

on another note: who is excited for the matches show @ the triple rock on friday?! i know i am! and i know dagger is! oh my. i am already dying in happiness. ::swoon::

mad world.

things are changing. people are growing up--becoming adults. everyone is essentially who they have always been. good times are just as good, if not better than they used to be. i love my friends more, i trust my friends more, and i depend (in a healthy way) on them more than i used to.

it is strange, though, to get to this point in life. my education is complete. i have many bills to pay. i have to start thinking about real things, like a place to live, my career path, my future. it is a scary prospect. i guess i should not be overly concerned at this point. i am only a few month out of college, and i am doing just fine. i want to take the time i do have to enjoy myself. but i am overwhelmed by the things my friends and i will be facing very soon, it seems.

quarter-life crises happen, and it appears that i may be starting mine.

bleh.

• both mccain and obama annoy the crap out of me.
• obama's "smirk-stare" while he listened to mccain creeped me out.
• neither man can say anything much of substance.
• last night's debate was a waste of time--they just blamed each other for whatever was wrong.
• i favor mccain only slightly more because i am by nature a conservative.
• i still think that nothing great and magnificent will happen during this presidency, no matter who gets it.
• drill in america so we stop depending on other nations.
• privatize social security. it was never intended to be something that everyone got forever. it was for the depression, and to get THOSE people out of it. it's failing? well, duh. inevitable.
• i do not like higher taxes for the richer. flat tax everyone or something. the rich should not suffer just because they have worked for/inherited/schemed for their money.
• brilliant ideas of "change" are great... but where are you going to get all of this money to change things, huh?
  
• the rest of it? whatever.
• so over it.
  

holy cow, i want you to get out...

and tell all of your friends that i'm not myself again.

sarah screamed: your every breath is a gift.

i am a bit too lazy to type out full events of last weekend and this week. this weekend was insanity. little sleep. many people. wonderful hangs (think: wannabe hasbeen show, many ugly mug hangs, many things being broken). this week was happiness. uplifting. strange (think: pajama porch hangs, drinking candy land, declarations). i have included pictures. the only thing missing was my lovely heather dagger. boo urns. home sick.