Tuesday, March 31, 2009

tell all of your friends that i'm not myself again.

in the past five days:
  • i have gone to the doctor's office three times (one included x-rays and i will let you know if i am dying in a week).
  • i quit dance (ugh. pressure and unconfident).
  • i sat hidden in a field for two hours listening to margot and the nuclear so & so's.
  • justin confirmed mark hoppus (blink 182) as mcs's producer for the new record.
  • found out that since ^, he leaves asap to go record for a few months. big bummer. but very exciting as well. i have been spoiled with his company these past months.
  • i had a minor relapse in my quitting smoking thing.
  • i realized how supportive my co-workers are. i love them. <3

this upcoming week i am super excited for:

  • wednesday's farewell continental show and music video premiere (which is FABULOUS and a must see) at the beat coffee house in uptown at 7:00 PM.
  • friday hangs with cherise, where we will be getting a hotel room downtown so that we can paint the town red for a great, and much needed, girls' night.
  • saturday's say hi show at the 7th street entry. maybe my favorite band right now. SO excited to see them again. so excited.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

i'm confessing it to you, because you've given me reason to feel that i can trust you.

lately i have encountered many books and films centeralizing themes around the purpose of the individual life. what consistutes it, what fufills it, and what can maximize it.

these lines from foer's book extremely loud and incredibly close have been haunting me:

"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living."
"I want an infinitely blank book and the rest of time ... why didn't I learn to treat everything like it was the last time, my greatest regret is how much I believed in the future."
"And the joys I've felt have not always been joyous. I could have lived differently. When I was your age, my grandfather bought me a ruby bracelet. It as too big for me an would slide up and down my arm. It was almost a necklace. He later told me that he had asked the jeweler make that way. Its size was supposed to be a symbol of his love. More rubies, more love. But I could not wear it comfortably. I could not wear it at all. So here is the point of everything I have been trying to say. IF I were to give a bracelet to you, now, I would measure your wrist twice."
"I wish I were a poet. I've never confessed that to anyone, and I'm confessing it to you, because you've given me reason to feel that I can trust you. I've spent my life observing the universe, mostly in my mind's eye. It's been a tremendously rewarding life, a wonderful life. I've been able to explore the origins of time and space with some of the great living thinkers. But I wish I were a poet. Albert Einstein, a hero of mine, once wrote, 'Our situation is the following. We are standing in front of a closed box which we cannot open.' I'm sure I don't have to tell you that the vast majority of the universe is composed of dark matter. The fragile balance depends on things we'll never be able to see, hear, smell, taste, or touch. Life itself depends on them. What's real? What isn't real? Maybe those aren't the right questions to be asking. What does life depend on? I wish I had made things for life to depend on."

"I regret that it takes a life to learn how to live."

i suppose i could already look at my life, at the ripe age of twenty-four, and think, "i could have done that instead." but i think it is more complicated than that.

lives are comprised of decisions and consequences, perhaps.

i went to college to build a better life for myself (satisfied) -> i took out loans to enjoy my time while in college, to travel, and in doing so have made some of the most beautiful and exotic memories for myself (thrilled) -> upon graduating i have debt (bummer) -> restricts my spending habits and lofty dreams of jumping on the road with a band or sitting around writing all day (bummer) -> remaining with a wonderful company that has security and rewards beyond what most jobs provide (quite happy) -> promoted because of my college degree (thrilled) -> cannot quite make the time for myself to write (bummer).

it's hard to say what determines if someone is living life to their fullest. maybe the grass is always greener. maybe even the most successful, adventurous people in the world feel the same way. in fact, i am sure that all of them have their moments of doubt.

i cannot say i live the majority of my life in doubt, in fact, i have very little of it. sometimes, however, i can only hope that my life does not stray onto the mediocre path. it is my greatest fear.

how do you prevent this?
how do you keep all of the life, all of the passion, inside of you?
do you have to be famous--the world knowing you?
do you have to change the world somehow?
is it enough to live a quiet life with good people and good intentions?
what makes a life well lived?

what do you think?
all comments from all persons (known or anonymous) are welcomed.

i was going to write something profoundish...

but then i realized i am too sick to dedicate myself.

UGH!!!

three things wrong with me. i hurt all over. someone fax me some delicious eatery.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

it's a lofty show.

so this last friday, justin and i ATTEMPTED to go to the double feature at the oak street theater, but unfortunately the theater seems to be shut down. did anyone know this and fail to tell me???

anyway, we went to chipotle (spelling?), ate a lot, and then rented a bunch of movies instead. it was a good night regardless.

work, work, work, work, work. survived.

tuesday justin and i were supposed to hang, but he had a meeting in st. paul. he invited me, but i did not want to intrude and be awkward. instead, i met up with him, kari, and tommy at station 4 for the less than jake show. eckum, rachel, ian, and courtney (my sorority sister) were all there. the bartender, after at least six months of not visiting, remembered my name (i should feel shame, but i feel pride). justin, tommy, and i went to coffee for a bit and had some good convos around cups of joe. the band was pretty entertaining, but we were all pretty "ugh" about the band asking girls to come up and compete at pole dancing to win a t-shirt. ickaa.

that's all for now.

justin left to go play some shows with mcs this weekend, but tomorrow i am going to hang with the old school angels in disguise girls (minus lindsey) for heather.

here is my favorite comic as of late: mike birbiglia

Monday, March 23, 2009

heather dagger's baby shower!

all photos courtesy of mike minehart: my living room full of love!
heath w/michelle and talia!
daddy daniel and baby jojo. aw.
something was funny.
enjoy it, because it doesn't happen often.
cake for heather's future baby whitney. lots of stuff!
mommy amy and baby jojo!
the other side.
the peanut gallery.
yes, there were boys there.
our friends had fun with the "advice cards" and quizzes. yikes!

Friday, March 20, 2009

you can't serve two masters--you can't take two sides.

this week has been stresssfulll! next week is registration for my current families at work. so i will be swamped with things i have to do, filing, questions being asked, phone calls, and freak outs. eek! all is going well, now that it is friday.

earlier this week, justin told me to get dressed up because we had dinner reservations that night. what!? he took me to the beautiful, fancy nicollet island inn restaurant. we ate like royalty. usually we just hang out and watch movies and gorge ourselves on ordered food (which is extremely perfect for me), but this was something fun to get ready for. aw. what a romantic little evening. here is the outside of the inn:in other news, i went and got my hair done yesterday. my intention was to take out the purple/dark chunks in it. i knew this would be difficult. christina (my friend and hairstylist) warned me, but i like things my way. ha. so we attempted. and... awful. the purple turned to orange chunks against bright blonde hair. eek! i cried. i apologized for crying. christina cancelled a bunch of appointments, and we tried again. success! it is SUPER blonde now (which i love). and you can barreelllyy see a reddish tint where my purple was, but it is completely manageable. i owe her the world. whew!

tonight justin is taking me to a double feature at the oak street cinema. something about clint eastwood and someone else? i'm not sure, but i am positive it will prove to be a lovely night!

sunday is heather's baby shower. come one, come all!!! well... only if you were invited, actually.

ciao, babies!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

i wanna walk around with you.

i don't feel much of anything today...

it is beautiful out, though.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

this is my dinosour life!

my birthday was fabulous. i received so many messages, emails, calls, and wishes of happy birthday. made me feel like i am at least a bit memorable. sometimes i have doubts, haha.

at work the staff brought strawberries, chocolate, and ice cream for my birthday, and then all of the kids screamed the happy birthday song. amazing.

after work i dressed up in one of my new dresses (think classic 1950's) and headed to uptown to pick up justin for the family birthday dinner. we went to chaing mai thai, and i opened my presents from the fam and from justin. from the family i got some lovely outfits from express, and from justin i received a multitude of books i have never read before and a candle that smells like him. haha. i love it! i must light it when he is away and pretend he is in the room with me. am i a creep???

after dinner, justin and i headed to the lagoon to see watchmen. we were both pumped to see it, although we didn't have really high expectations. want my review? AWFUL. we both agreed that it was the WORST MOVIE EVER MADE! i was entertained for the opening credits. after that, it was all downhill. the acting was alright. but there was no interesting story line. the "surprises" in the movie were easily predicted in the first 20 minutes of the film. the "touching" moments were lame and uninspiring. i was not at all entertained or thrilled. ugh! justin and i wanted to leave halfway through it, but neither of us wanted to say anything to each other in fear we were alone in our review. DO NOT see this movie. if any of my friends spend their money on this movie, i will be personally offended. i DO want to read the graphic novel, though, in hopes that it will erase the sadness in my head of wasting my time on that movie. yikes.

today i went to coffee with lyds and we chatted. i stopped by heather's afterward. she painted me a painting!!! i love it!!! i love my girls so much. <3 oh! as a birthday present to myself i have decided to stop smoking. i have thus far made it 24+ hours. hoorah! i am using the patch and the gum. so far the cravings are minimal. i will never be the person who abhors smokers, in fact i will always probably envy them. but if i do not do it now, then i never will. so far, so good! i hope it sticks! to keep myself busy i have been watching movies and cleaning. here is a view of my cleaned bedroom. note that i am a compulsive saver of things, and it is difficult to find places for all of my things and make my room not look like a 10 year old girls.

i spy: many pictures i have not hung up as of yet, vicky cristina barcelona playing, audrey hepburn.
i spy: a lava lamp, a wonderful collection of books (those are not all of them), my lonely guitar.i spy: the candle justin got me, a twilight calender, a host of stuffed animals that i feel too guilty boxing away (i think stuffed animals are alive of sorts), an 101 dalmations pillow case, a hidden dream-catcher.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

sexy times.

justin's band has a new website, i found today. they have also posted this strange video snip (note: that i am around that sort of quirk from him constantly. welcome to my life)! check out the site and the video! enjoy their mad beats. maybe buy some sheettzz. you know. that sort of stuff.

motion city soundtrack


Monday, March 9, 2009

Sunday, March 8, 2009

i thought your eyes were brown,
but they are obsidian black, black, black.
an oil spill.
a freight train threat.
a weak imitation of a low rent
horror flick postlude to the sequel.
purple blue slick--
maybe with some scorpions underneath.
they say "the bigger the better,"
(less to kill you with, my dear)
but yours can fit into your sockets--
they aren't big at all.
intoxicate and eradicate.
intoxicate and eradicate.
i was one and a half into it,
but i found release in your strike.
a complimentary excuse to fall out gracefully
(with grace fully with me).
sure i lost a limb,
like those World War vets,
who also maybe lost a lung
(more for holding tongues than for speaking).
now i have no obligation to blame,
cause ghosts are always overlooked.
i gladly lost my arm in this all,
because girl number 1 is still trying to save her parts
against your poison,
and now she is just rotten,
rotten,
rotten
(like most of them).
since my death i just keep an eye on that black,
and watch its movements.
i'd warn them, but it isn't my place.
instead i hold my surviving hand
against my finally beating heart
and feel phantom syndrome tissue and bones
pointing and screaming in your direction.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

highlights.

returns

justin came home from LA a few weeks ago, after writing with mcs and meeting with music people for two weeks. i missed that kid, yup. heard some of the demos, they are mostly delicious!

uptown theatre / teenage mutant ninja turtles / farewell continental

the day after justin came home he played a show at the uptown theatre. the uptown theatre has started doing midnight showings of movies where bands open up for the film. i got a hold of justin's sis, richelle, and i won some free tix from twitter.com and was put on the list +1. shel and i waited in the lobby for what seemed like ages with a huge crowd. finally we were let in and sat in the front by shane (justin's friend and producer cohort). shane told us some pretty hilarious stories about cheerleaders, mascots, and other bizarre subjects. farewell continental set up and eventually started playing with a movie screen playing behind them. really fucking trippy and sweet. they played well. then came the movie. hilarious for the following reasons:

1. i had never been to the midnight showings and knew not what to expect.

2. the midnight showings are notorious for bringing in a hipster crowd who just doesn't give a fuck. everyone boos, everyone cheers, and everyone shouts out little quips and everyone laughs.

3. the movie teenage mutant ninja turtles (the real people one) is so awfully cheesy and wondrous it made the cheers and comments so much better and enthusiastic.

it was great. me, shane and justin laughed our asses off.

while the band was packing their stuff up, and shane and i were waiting around for them to be done, three girls who flew from st. louis for the weekend just to see justin play came over. justin felt bad that they had come all that way to see him and they were leaving the next day to go home, so we all piled in my car and went to the uptown diner. of course the diner was packed with crazies at 3:00 AM, but we all made the best of it. hanging out with justin, shane, tommy and jim is hilarious. i don't think i have laughed that much in ages. ugh! the girls were really nice too. and eventually we all parted ways. it is strange to me to see people who are so dedicated to what justin is doing, but it makes me so excited for him and so proud.

whitney

heather's little baby boy is soon to arrive! amy and i have been getting things ready for her shower on the 22nd of march. it is insane to think a real live human being who is half heather is going to be hanging around soon. BIZARRE!!! but so amazing. it is still surreal to me, as i am sure it is more so for her!

benihana

on sunday my family (as it is custom) went to benihana for our annual dinner. delish! we invited justin and katie's friend brittany along. my family was in their prime and made me proud. justin seemed entertained and comfortable, even though he was tired and sick from the previous week of non-stop recording with fc (great stuff!) and video shooting outdoors. we all ate to extremes and left smelling like fried rice and garlic.

dance

ugh! i hate going every wednesday, but once i get there i feel better. i am dancing with all of the people who teach at the studio, which makes me the worst one, but it is good to be challenged, i suppose.

dr. zhivago

finally got around to watching it. if you have not seen it, you must see it. what a brilliant piece of film history. wow. i was amazed throughout the entire thing. please watch it! i love russians. probably because i am party russian, and partly because i want to be tough and scary like they are. haha.

fineline / wannabe hasbeens / the next afternoon @ ugly mug

the triple threat and laura ventured out to the fineline to see the wannabe hasbeens' show. they played well, but the rest of the bands made me want to cry. ugh! some people should not be put behind instruments. eek. dan came out, which was the best part of the whole thing. we spent the entire time bullshitting and trash-talking everyone and every thing we could think of. that is what i miss about dan--the honesty. now, without him around as much, everyone holds their tongues too much. so lame. but that night was like old times. outsiders would walk up to me and him talking, listen for a few seconds, and walk away afraid. amazzziinnngg. also many men were hitting on heather in a disgusting way, we would look at each other and shrug in confusion. she. is. pregnant. people. haha. i mean, flattering that she is obviously still very attractive, but c'mon men!

that night, in a rush to leave the strange night, i left my card at the bar, so i went to the ugly mug to hang out with some of the guys before gremlin went back to the fineline for work at 7:00 PM. lots of drinks, lots of shots (thanks mo), and lots of playing that picture game on the screens on the bar (know what i am talking about?), there was also a strange man on drugs with sunglasses on trying to talk to all of us, who eventually got kicked out. was good to see the guys, but i grabbed my card at 7:30 PM and went home to sleep off my early buzz. eesh. i am not used to drinking anymore (which is a good thing).




those are my highlights for now. i felt i owed them to you.