fated to pretend.

i have been blessed with a relatively large amount of people who know me inside and out. these people either have known me for years, have a gifted insight, or have simply cared enough to look deeper than surface appearances allow.

some of these people have been true and loyal friends from the beginning, some i have just met, some have gone their own way, and some have hurt and gutted me out. regardless to the current status of our relationships, i can still appreciate the fact that all of these people indeed know me.

the worst is knowing that some people, with whom i have spent so much time and effort on, do not know me. not in the least. some of these people were my closest companions, some were my lovers, and some were people that i cultivated great interest in.

they may know the sound of my laugh, where i grew up, the predictable manner in which i will answer the phone, the music i listen to, my favorite dessert, and the phrases i use to nauseum. but they have no concept of who i really am.

i think about these people in the morning, when the day is new but yet there is no hope for change or growth. i know that these people will never know me, because they wish not to or do not have the capacity to understand.

i wish i could be the person who could spell out their soul's thoughts with their tongue. i wish i could sit you down and tell you everything. but i am not that person, and i never can be. this does not prevent change or growth on its own, but rather it prevents it when coupled with certain people's inability to care.

i will always feel like there could have been more. i will always feel like something was missing. i will always remember the times i sat quiet on your couch, hoping that you would figure me out. but i will always know you better than you know yourself. and so i will never hope for more from you.

most importantly. i will keep those close, closest. and i will be grateful to those who found worth in my silence--enough to keep pressing.