you don't love me; you can't love what i dont show.

so i stayed up all night writing a ten-page paper which was due this morning. luckily, i did get it finished. don't i always. brian and i would call each other periodically to update the status of our progress and coach each other through writing. we have done this since freshman year. we are pretty much rockstars at procrastination. i have been talking to him almost every day, and i am grateful to have such a good guy friend to share anxieties with. no matter the time in between talking, we always reconnect as if we never stopped talking. i am going to write a book full of little motivational phrases for him, like, "it's okay, in the morning you will feel like all of this hell was worth it."

i forgot to mention that on thursday of last week mr. pierre and i had some hang time. i admit i was a bit tipsy and attempted to push him over in his chair, but after twenty minutes of snarkiness on my part we were back on track. we ended up going to uptown to see the movie "in brouge" (i believe that's how it's spelt?). i really recommend it. It is about two hit men who talk about life and their concerns while hiding out in belgium. you end up loving both of the hit men in the end. it had its emotional part, its emotional parts, and very gruesome parts. there is a "splat" scene, which could be the most grotesque part in a film i have ever seen. side note: justin (in quintessential justin form) bought some little cheeses to eat during the movie. popcorn? who does popcorn anymore... obviously not him. it was interesting to see him after so long, and no one got hurt. so overall i suppose it wasn't bad. haha.

easter went well. i adore my family. adore. i have been blessed with an accepting and witty group of extended relatives. i have never once dreaded a family get-together. both sides of my family get along so well and have always offered so much love and support to me. my mother--er--the easter bunny gave me and my sister easter basket, per usual. chocolate never hurt anyone.

for my family birthday dinner, my family and i went to tanner's. delicious. i saw tasha, whom i hadn't seen since she moved to D.C., but apparently she is back in minnesota now. love that girl.

well the rest of the week is going to be exciting. i am absolutely stoked. tonight is the weaver at the loom & this world fair show at the varsity. ck told me a surprise that is happening there tonight, and it is AMAZING. everyone needs to go so that they can benefit from this surprise. it alone makes me excited to go tonight. saturday is the white light riot show at the fineline, and sunday is the honorary title show at the fineline as well. apparently i will be living at the fineline this weekend. so come on over, hang out, and if you cannot find me, i may be sleeping underneath the bar. so many shows. just what i need. and so many great people to hang out with in the meantime. tonight i get to see all of the 50records people that i have missed so much since my return from sxsw. i also get to hang with my girls heath and lyds. and sara k. will be at the show as well (who i will insist that twf use for a promo shoot). saturday will include a lot of the same people, and sunday will include the girls and someone who i have not seen in about six months. i cannot cannot cannot wait to catch up.

i will leave you with this closing thought (as i attempt to not hot-poker my eyes out):

i do not know how to perfectly walk a tightrope, but you don't see me joining the circus. therefore, do not be surprised if i am completely disgusted with you as you flail around above me.

confused? i hope so.

this is our decision, to live fast and die young.

school is so meaningless to me right now. after sxsw and all of the opportunities it already has provided me with, and all of the opportunities that working for a place like 50records has given me, i just want to live life on the road. i want to jump on a tour for one of the hundreds of bands i know and work merch. i want to surround myself with the music industry. i know its a shady business. i know it is not glamorous. but i was cut out for this. i can go five days (maybe more) without showering. i can be extremely busy and rushed all day long. i work best under pressure. i long to travel as much as i possibly can. i starve for adventure. i starve for new people. connections. networking. i want to live for music (and stop living for the musicians). i want to be apart of it. i already am... but i want more. more. more.

i am weighing my options.
and a decision will be made soon.

on another note...
i am applying for big brother.
who wouldnt give me 500,000 dollars?

if i won that, or even got a few thousand dollars. i would pay of my debt and be gone from this place. nothing would stop me. but of course i would need my heather and lydia. and of course frequents from my sissy and family.

but in reality. fuck yeah, i could live like this.

holy blast from the past!

this morning i recieved a text from someone that i have not heard from in months and months. he informed me that i would be seeing him on sunday, which i was previously unaware of. my week is made. i cannot wait to dork out with him. and as no one else but him and i would appreciate how much the stars have just aligned.

crazy how time and timing unfolds...

benefit for mr. krumm

last night i ended up working merch for this world fair at the fineline's benefit for mr. krumm, who makes savage amps. he is battling cancer and there were a lot of bands there supporting him; quietdrive, honeydogs, the hopefuls, etc... even my dad takes his equipment into krumm's store to be worked on, and know him well. it was great to see so many people out supporting the local music scene, and those who keep it running.

merch was fine, i like doing it. lydia and the twf boys hung with me all night. even steven and melissa showed up. i was glad to help out, and also glad to see a $20 show for free (even if i had to work). greenroom beer and hangs weren't bad either. nice little perk.

we also added some honorary members to us girls' gang. although they can never be full members because they are boys.

first:

LINDSAY VICIOUS & LYDIA SLAYER

(HEATHER DAGGER was missing because she was on a stealth mission in europe)

and introducing:

ALEX ARSON & GEORGE DANGER

zack hasn't gotten a good name yet, and i would have given ck a good one... but he didn't get me my shot. so i named him 'chris barbie.' you gotta EARN your title, you know? so we will see who can make the cut.

so it was a pretty good night. alot of people complimented my hair (which i was too lazy to wash, and so just back-combed and hair sprayed massively). so that was reassuring. also got told i look like katherine heigl, which i love hearing. and also saw a few people i hadn't seen in awhile.

i will write the sxsw blog asap. i have an outline started. haha. so much to remember...

fated to pretend.

i have been blessed with a relatively large amount of people who know me inside and out. these people either have known me for years, have a gifted insight, or have simply cared enough to look deeper than surface appearances allow.

some of these people have been true and loyal friends from the beginning, some i have just met, some have gone their own way, and some have hurt and gutted me out. regardless to the current status of our relationships, i can still appreciate the fact that all of these people indeed know me.

the worst is knowing that some people, with whom i have spent so much time and effort on, do not know me. not in the least. some of these people were my closest companions, some were my lovers, and some were people that i cultivated great interest in.

they may know the sound of my laugh, where i grew up, the predictable manner in which i will answer the phone, the music i listen to, my favorite dessert, and the phrases i use to nauseum. but they have no concept of who i really am.

i think about these people in the morning, when the day is new but yet there is no hope for change or growth. i know that these people will never know me, because they wish not to or do not have the capacity to understand.

i wish i could be the person who could spell out their soul's thoughts with their tongue. i wish i could sit you down and tell you everything. but i am not that person, and i never can be. this does not prevent change or growth on its own, but rather it prevents it when coupled with certain people's inability to care.

i will always feel like there could have been more. i will always feel like something was missing. i will always remember the times i sat quiet on your couch, hoping that you would figure me out. but i will always know you better than you know yourself. and so i will never hope for more from you.

most importantly. i will keep those close, closest. and i will be grateful to those who found worth in my silence--enough to keep pressing.

side-effects include:

school and "real life" seem insignificant.
now home, i feel like time is moving in slow motion.
i feel like i am missing out on something huge.
i lost four pounds.
i developed a slight alcohol problem (drinking at noon).
and i intensified my smoking addiction.















take me back there... now, please?

tonight: daniel's birthday of many years.

do not be decieved... it is a hideous tumor.














maybe marshall should be in us girls' gang...














my beautiful girls














birthday boy, dan, thought it best that his drunk eyes were hidden.