you don't love me; you can't love what i dont show.

so i stayed up all night writing a ten-page paper which was due this morning. luckily, i did get it finished. don't i always. brian and i would call each other periodically to update the status of our progress and coach each other through writing. we have done this since freshman year. we are pretty much rockstars at procrastination. i have been talking to him almost every day, and i am grateful to have such a good guy friend to share anxieties with. no matter the time in between talking, we always reconnect as if we never stopped talking. i am going to write a book full of little motivational phrases for him, like, "it's okay, in the morning you will feel like all of this hell was worth it."

i forgot to mention that on thursday of last week mr. pierre and i had some hang time. i admit i was a bit tipsy and attempted to push him over in his chair, but after twenty minutes of snarkiness on my part we were back on track. we ended up going to uptown to see the movie "in brouge" (i believe that's how it's spelt?). i really recommend it. It is about two hit men who talk about life and their concerns while hiding out in belgium. you end up loving both of the hit men in the end. it had its emotional part, its emotional parts, and very gruesome parts. there is a "splat" scene, which could be the most grotesque part in a film i have ever seen. side note: justin (in quintessential justin form) bought some little cheeses to eat during the movie. popcorn? who does popcorn anymore... obviously not him. it was interesting to see him after so long, and no one got hurt. so overall i suppose it wasn't bad. haha.

easter went well. i adore my family. adore. i have been blessed with an accepting and witty group of extended relatives. i have never once dreaded a family get-together. both sides of my family get along so well and have always offered so much love and support to me. my mother--er--the easter bunny gave me and my sister easter basket, per usual. chocolate never hurt anyone.

for my family birthday dinner, my family and i went to tanner's. delicious. i saw tasha, whom i hadn't seen since she moved to D.C., but apparently she is back in minnesota now. love that girl.

well the rest of the week is going to be exciting. i am absolutely stoked. tonight is the weaver at the loom & this world fair show at the varsity. ck told me a surprise that is happening there tonight, and it is AMAZING. everyone needs to go so that they can benefit from this surprise. it alone makes me excited to go tonight. saturday is the white light riot show at the fineline, and sunday is the honorary title show at the fineline as well. apparently i will be living at the fineline this weekend. so come on over, hang out, and if you cannot find me, i may be sleeping underneath the bar. so many shows. just what i need. and so many great people to hang out with in the meantime. tonight i get to see all of the 50records people that i have missed so much since my return from sxsw. i also get to hang with my girls heath and lyds. and sara k. will be at the show as well (who i will insist that twf use for a promo shoot). saturday will include a lot of the same people, and sunday will include the girls and someone who i have not seen in about six months. i cannot cannot cannot wait to catch up.

i will leave you with this closing thought (as i attempt to not hot-poker my eyes out):

i do not know how to perfectly walk a tightrope, but you don't see me joining the circus. therefore, do not be surprised if i am completely disgusted with you as you flail around above me.

confused? i hope so.

this is our decision, to live fast and die young.

school is so meaningless to me right now. after sxsw and all of the opportunities it already has provided me with, and all of the opportunities that working for a place like 50records has given me, i just want to live life on the road. i want to jump on a tour for one of the hundreds of bands i know and work merch. i want to surround myself with the music industry. i know its a shady business. i know it is not glamorous. but i was cut out for this. i can go five days (maybe more) without showering. i can be extremely busy and rushed all day long. i work best under pressure. i long to travel as much as i possibly can. i starve for adventure. i starve for new people. connections. networking. i want to live for music (and stop living for the musicians). i want to be apart of it. i already am... but i want more. more. more.

i am weighing my options.
and a decision will be made soon.

on another note...
i am applying for big brother.
who wouldnt give me 500,000 dollars?

if i won that, or even got a few thousand dollars. i would pay of my debt and be gone from this place. nothing would stop me. but of course i would need my heather and lydia. and of course frequents from my sissy and family.

but in reality. fuck yeah, i could live like this.

holy blast from the past!

this morning i recieved a text from someone that i have not heard from in months and months. he informed me that i would be seeing him on sunday, which i was previously unaware of. my week is made. i cannot wait to dork out with him. and as no one else but him and i would appreciate how much the stars have just aligned.

crazy how time and timing unfolds...

benefit for mr. krumm

last night i ended up working merch for this world fair at the fineline's benefit for mr. krumm, who makes savage amps. he is battling cancer and there were a lot of bands there supporting him; quietdrive, honeydogs, the hopefuls, etc... even my dad takes his equipment into krumm's store to be worked on, and know him well. it was great to see so many people out supporting the local music scene, and those who keep it running.

merch was fine, i like doing it. lydia and the twf boys hung with me all night. even steven and melissa showed up. i was glad to help out, and also glad to see a $20 show for free (even if i had to work). greenroom beer and hangs weren't bad either. nice little perk.

we also added some honorary members to us girls' gang. although they can never be full members because they are boys.

first:

LINDSAY VICIOUS & LYDIA SLAYER

(HEATHER DAGGER was missing because she was on a stealth mission in europe)

and introducing:

ALEX ARSON & GEORGE DANGER

zack hasn't gotten a good name yet, and i would have given ck a good one... but he didn't get me my shot. so i named him 'chris barbie.' you gotta EARN your title, you know? so we will see who can make the cut.

so it was a pretty good night. alot of people complimented my hair (which i was too lazy to wash, and so just back-combed and hair sprayed massively). so that was reassuring. also got told i look like katherine heigl, which i love hearing. and also saw a few people i hadn't seen in awhile.

i will write the sxsw blog asap. i have an outline started. haha. so much to remember...

fated to pretend.

i have been blessed with a relatively large amount of people who know me inside and out. these people either have known me for years, have a gifted insight, or have simply cared enough to look deeper than surface appearances allow.

some of these people have been true and loyal friends from the beginning, some i have just met, some have gone their own way, and some have hurt and gutted me out. regardless to the current status of our relationships, i can still appreciate the fact that all of these people indeed know me.

the worst is knowing that some people, with whom i have spent so much time and effort on, do not know me. not in the least. some of these people were my closest companions, some were my lovers, and some were people that i cultivated great interest in.

they may know the sound of my laugh, where i grew up, the predictable manner in which i will answer the phone, the music i listen to, my favorite dessert, and the phrases i use to nauseum. but they have no concept of who i really am.

i think about these people in the morning, when the day is new but yet there is no hope for change or growth. i know that these people will never know me, because they wish not to or do not have the capacity to understand.

i wish i could be the person who could spell out their soul's thoughts with their tongue. i wish i could sit you down and tell you everything. but i am not that person, and i never can be. this does not prevent change or growth on its own, but rather it prevents it when coupled with certain people's inability to care.

i will always feel like there could have been more. i will always feel like something was missing. i will always remember the times i sat quiet on your couch, hoping that you would figure me out. but i will always know you better than you know yourself. and so i will never hope for more from you.

most importantly. i will keep those close, closest. and i will be grateful to those who found worth in my silence--enough to keep pressing.

side-effects include:

school and "real life" seem insignificant.
now home, i feel like time is moving in slow motion.
i feel like i am missing out on something huge.
i lost four pounds.
i developed a slight alcohol problem (drinking at noon).
and i intensified my smoking addiction.















take me back there... now, please?

tonight: daniel's birthday of many years.

do not be decieved... it is a hideous tumor.














maybe marshall should be in us girls' gang...














my beautiful girls














birthday boy, dan, thought it best that his drunk eyes were hidden.

an extra pound of luggage.

business cards, cds, flyers, lighters, wristbands, badges, stickers, bottle openers, the matches setlist (which is going to heather dagger), a designer grab bag, a little man to wind your headphone cord around, etc...




















red = free breakfast taco all week.

blue = nylon party, which was on the top part of a parking garage. free drinks. stage on the rooftop. boche ball. video games. felt like i was in some secret underground (or above ground?) rally.

pink = camel party, which was an amazing start to my last day. not only was there free music, but there were two free packs of camel cigs (your choice), a free zippo lighter, drink tickets, and all of the vitamin water and rockstar energy drinks you could get your mits on!

green = the victory showcase, where i was the "merch girl" for the audition. in reality, aaron had to lie to get me in on my birthday for the show. and thank god he did! perfect present!

purple squashed mark = emo's for for AP showcase with... the matches!!! GREAT set. talked to the guys afterward. they put on a flawless show, and are flawless gentlemen. speaking of the matches... GO BUY THEIR NEW CD. a band in hope is out now. go grab it!

im backkkkk!

first day back from sxsw. it was by far the best week of my entire life. if you have never been there, you have no idea how amazing it is. i am not even kidding. i cannot see myself ever missing it again.

i have tons of photos from the trip, and there are roadisodes posted at youtube/50records as well, but i am going to wait until i have everyone elses photos and all of the roadisodes to write a blog about it, i think.

unreal. unreal. unreal. unreal. unreal.

it is my first full day back from the trip and i am sick. my body is confused as to why i got a full night's sleep in a full bed, and why i was allowed to eat a full meal beforehand. it also wonders why i am not parading around 6th street.

i wish i could have lived there, eternally.

heyoo

off to sxsw!

probably wont update this until i am back.

i am so excited it hurts!

check out our roadisode video updates at youtube.com/50records!

daylight savings blows.

lazy day.
i need to get things done, but as usual semi-fail at it.
not enough time in the day for laying around anymore.

sigh.

procrastination is a beotch.

i just cannot wait for texas.
i cannot wait to see my georgia boys.
i cannot wait for needed distractions.

excited for the future.

today i had a meeting with a career adviser. we talked about portfolios and job searching. i feel like my future is finally coming together a bit. i am excited to get things rolling, and see what's out there. so many possibilities! who knows where i will end up or what i will end up doing.

my hair is pretty much the same. the darker blond i wanted wasn't what she used, but it still looks good.

i swallowed my fear of sharing my creative writing publicly, and submitted five pieces to the university's prologue. it is a collection of student writing that is published every year. i think the pieces are sort of crappy, but if even one of them gets in it will be a good resume builder.

i have so much homework to do this weekend, that it is frightening. but i must do it, since i will be gone most of next week at sxsw. it is so worth the pain now, to have the experience of the festival. heck. yes. and i am getting more and more excited to see everyone down there. and one boy i like to kiss. :X

sunday i think sara is going to do a photoshoot with me. i absolutely love the photos she takes, and i am really excited about it. you can check out her previous work here www.flickr.com/xosara.

in any event, i need to sleep. so that i may suffer the wrath of writing a million pages in papers tomorrow.

p.s. i hope a certain someone breaks their arm. :X

<3

i am a lover and a destroyer; i love one thing, destroy the other.

it is strange...

because i know exactly what is going on.

even without the slightest hint of knowledge.
without evidence.
without reason.
without a heart connection.

i just know.














i am not sure if i am relieved or disappointed.
both, i suppose.

walking with the sun in my mouth //

i read something by a victorian writer, walter pater, today in my brit lit II class. i absolutely loved it. loved it. i was smiling for an hour afterward. here is my favorite excerpt:


To burn always with this hard, gemlike flame, to maintain this ecstasy, is success in life. In a sense it might even be said that our failure is to form habits: for, after all, habit is relative to a stereotyped world, and meantime it is only the roughness of the eye that makes any two persons, things, situations, seem alike. While all melts under our feet, we may well grasp at any exquisite passion, or any contribution to knowledge that seems by a lifted horizon to set the spirit free for a moment, or any stirring of the senses, strange dyes, strange colours, and curious odours, or work of the artist's hands, or the face of one's friend. Not to discriminate every moment some passionate attitude in those about us, and in the very brilliancy of their gifts some tragic dividing of forces on their ways, is, on this short day of frost and sun, to sleep before evening. With this sense of the splendour of our experience and of its awful brevity, gathering all we are into one desperate effort to see and touch, we shall hardly have time to make theories about the things we see and touch. What we have to do is to be for ever curiously testing new opinions and courting new impressions, never acquiescing in a facile orthodoxy of Compte, or of Hegel, or of our own. Philosophical theories or ideas, as points of view, instruments of criticism, may help us to gather up what might otherwise pass unregarded by us. "Philosophy is the microscope of thought." The theory or idea or system which requires of us the sacrifice of any part of this experience, in consideration of some interest into which we cannot enter, or some abstract theory we have not identified with ourselves, or of what is only conventional, has no real claim upon us.

One of the most beautiful passages of Rousseau is that in the sixth book of the Confessions, where he describes the awakening in him of the literary sense. An undefinable taint of death had clung always about him, and now in early manhood he believed himself smitten by mortal disease. He asked himself how he might make as much as possible of the interval that remained; and he was not biassed by anything in his previous life when he decided that it must be by intellectual excitement, which he found just then in the clear, fresh writings of Voltaire. Well! we are all condamnés, as Victor Hugo says: we are all under sentence of death but with a sort of indefinite reprieve — les hommes sont tous condamnés mort avec des sursis indéfinis: we have an interval, and then our place knows us no more. Some spend this interval in listlessness, some in high passions, the wisest, at least among "the children of this world," in art and song. For our one chance lies in expanding that interval, in getting as many pulsations as possible into the given time. Great passions may give us this quickened sense of life, ecstasy and sorrow of love, the various forms of enthusiastic activity, disinterested or otherwise, which come naturally to many of us. Only be sure it is passion — that it does yield you this fruit of a quickened, multiplied consciousness. Of such wisdom, the poetic passion, the desire of beauty, the love of art for its own sake, has most. For art comes to you proposing frankly to give nothing but the highest quality to your moments as they pass, and simply for those moments' sake.

-The Renaissance



simply stated? gather all of the experiences you can while alive. do what feels good. do what makes you happy. just live. do it all. do anything. do everything.

live. live. live. live. live.

<3

productive? whats that?

although i do love my current hair colors, i made an appointment for hair newness on friday. i think i am going to keep the maroon chunks and make my hair more natural blond with some white chunks still in it. i just dont want to have to re-do it all the time, and the blonde makes the roots obvious. i am pumped. i love the present of new hair for my birthday week!

i am NOT cutting it though. i am going to let it grow again forever. :[

i am so addicted to big brother, it is sick and pathetic. sigh.

jonah told me that he is going to help advise me to the future of a possible music industry career. he would know the best options, especially since he is a writer/editor for the industry. sxsw is going to be so great with the learning and the networking. it will be so good for my future, i can feel it. even if it just improves my contacts for future show entertainment and hangs. whatever works!

on that note, i have decided to put more effort into my internship, work and improving my resume. therefore i will keep myself busy, and my silly mind off of daydreams and worries that only slow me down.

AND

the triple threat's threat has intensified!!!

lindsay vicious
heather dagger
lydia slayer

we are legit, fools!!!














oh. also, i did not mention how us girls met sam from the bodeans at the fineline the other night (one who sings the friends' theme song). he was very nice. oh the people you randomly bump into in life. hm.

in any event.
i have not much else to tell.
or not much i am willing to put here.

later, haters.

<3

my brain hurts

looking at a computer screens is what i do!
but it makes my brain mushy. :]

for the 50records showcase at sxsw, 50records has teamed up with zude.com!

check out my rad new profile.

that is what i spent my day on.
it is not even close to done.
but i tried to figure out a lot of it.

<3

i got a backbone [everything will be alright]

us girls decided to stick it to the man, literally.

coming to the conclusion that a backbone is a necessary commodity these days, we decided to celebrate this newly found strength in the form of concert-going and ass-shaking.

of course this was after a not-so-pleasant conversation with someone the night previous.

what it all comes down to, is that i am done done done letting men step all over me. whether they are friends or more... no more.

no apologies anymore. i refuse. i admit, if it is a new person and i was in the wrong, i will apologize. but if it is a person who has frequently hurt me, or if i have good reason to be angry and do what i did. screw. that. not sorry.

i refuse to apologize for even silly things, like drunk texting. i am standing up for myself. even if it makes me look like a bitch. even if a tiny bit of my heart freezes over. because, lets be honest here. i have made excuses for people for far too long.

no more, sir. no more.

in any event, i adore my heather and lydia. those girls make my weeks. we all reside on the same level of thinking. it is a bit uncanny. so many inside jokes. so much strength. as same from the bodeans said, on friday, we are the "triple threat." RAWR! watch it, boys.

sxsw is coming up quickly! i have made contact with a good few people about it. i am going to try and force jonah to hang a bit with me. i also was put on the victory showcase list (on my birthday) by aaron, who is amazingly sweet for barely knowing me. i also am excited to see mo and derek down there. but very most of all, i am excited to see my elevation boys. it has been ages, and i need some southern charm in my life. stat.

networking is my primary goal there, not really going to shows. i am excited for the possibilities of all i could meet!

school is kicking my ass a bit. in a good way. i am actually learning real job-related skills. my editing class is amazing, and i am excited to finally be gaining insight into a career i may pursue.

i am also thinking about starting to apply to jobs. yikes. i am between wanting to work in the music industry, or work as an editor. maybe i can do both? we will see.

that is all i will harass you with now.
more later.

upcoming events: spill canvas (excited to see nick again) and sxsw (documentary included)