worry, worry is a well.

i have so very much to do before i graduate. so so much. i have mapped out my next two weeks, and i cannot even look at the long list of things to do without wanting to jump out of a moving vehicle. but there is light at the end of the tunnel... i think.

graduation is ahead. i will make it. i must keep telling myself this!

i did nothing this past weekend except go to my sister's family birthday dinner. my family is considering going on another family cruise this year. i really would like this, but i do not want to go right after graduation. i have far too much to worry about (e.g. bills, job possibilities, etc...) to even think about stressing out about a vacation (that should be worry free). but i think we will be going sometime later in summer once my little sister gets her passport.

this weekend will not be any more exciting than this last one. i apologize for my boringness.

once summer comes, adventures will as well.

i cannot wait.

<3

two to one: static to the sound.

i realize that although my heart is timidly creeping back in, my head is totally out. this is a good thing in this certain situation. although i still tend to follow my heart, regardless to how faulty its logic is, i feel like i currently have such a strong mindful will warning me. this is a new thing for me. overall, i know i should not even consider entertaining anything with such an overwhelming history. i cannot promise myself to stay away, but at least i have enough memory intact to proceed with extreme caution.




side note: one of my biggest pet peeves is when people try to look "smart" and label their pictures, etc..., with "jane and i." no. idiot! it is "me and jane" or even "jane and me" is okay. you simply look more ridiculous in your attempt to prove your knowledge of the english language. look up some rules in a handbook for my sake, please.

i wish we could start over. no. i think the beginning was perfect. i could have lived forever in the beginning. those first few weeks, where i swear i did not breathe. where we were teenagers again, anticipating our first kiss. you were nervous, measuring the stars between the span of your fingertips. i was trying to play it cool, hoping you would not see me smiling uncontrollably in the dark. i could have lived in those moments on my front porch. both of us wrapped in blankets, getting as close as we could to one another without revealing too much.

warning:

i may be apathetic to anything anyone tells me right now. i gave you fair warning. my head is too interested in swimming to pay attention to anything else.

<3
your friendly local lindsay

today's realization.

i have no desire to be associated with men as anything more than friends at this time, and i am disgusted by the thought of anything more.

all of them disappoint me to the extreme.
extreme to the max.

i need to sleep for eternity, maybe.

this week has been an up-down mess. but nothing to complain too much about. graduation is approaching, and i am overwhelmed and can only take it day by day.

i was awarded the senior merit award. pretty nice. and i am interviewing for the site leader position for the summer at adventures plus. i also may try and see if the publicist job at 50 would be right for me. i love the staff there and want to be apart of that company as much as i can be. and lord knows i have no idea what to do with job searching right now outside of anything else i am doing.

a reconnection last night has made me oddly content with life. i was able to say a few small things that were on my mind and had bothered me, and he seemed comfortable talking to me as a friend, which i really have missed.

thats all for now.

midnight reunion.

it is so strange how this world works.
it frightens me a little, but on the same hand...

i absolutely welcome the insanity.

oh the stress.

dwindling finances.
only a few weeks to complete many projects and papers to graduate.
and other overwhelming factors.
everything doable, but all in all i feel like i am drowning and a bit lost.

i hung out with zac last night, and we ended up talking and drinking for seven hours. i actually had a really really good time, and i definitely foresee many future hangs in our future. it is refreshing to have new things in my life.

i need to start working out, pronto.

i need to stop spending so much money.

i need to stop cycling through some things.

apart of me, however, seems far more comfortable just simply doing. i have thought and analyzed so much in my past actions, and now i realize that sometimes just acting is what i should really be doing. life is short. i want experience. i just want without justification or promise. i also just have so many things going on in my life right now, and so many big changes ahead, that i do not think that being too serious with anything i do (unrelated to school or a future career) should have too many restrictions or stress on it. as brian said tonight, "just go balls to the wall." if he tells me it is alright, then i believe him.

on another note, i have three of my creative writing pieces published in my school's annual creative writing journal, prologue. pretty exciting! even if people think the pieces are total crap (which they sort of are) it is a nice resume builder and a bit of an ego builder as well.

'tis all for now.

p.s. there was confirmation on a certain someone being a total fraud (as i knew he was), and a confirmed shitty move on someone else's part (unsurprising).

weekend blabber.

last night heather and i met up with lydia @ the uptown bar. we had some drinks and waited for her friend's band to go on, but decided to go grab some sushi before. so we went to sushi tango, stole a pen, and ended up drawing 'stamps' on our hand in eyeliner to get back into the bar without paying cover. lydia is a mastermind. simply put. and we got in after taking her lead. killer. but then i started to feel super ill, and so i had to leave early. apparently lyds got sick later too. so maybe it was just not meant to last the entire night. good times, regardless. at least we were productive, and gave george a power animal (a black stallion).

today i was supposed to go to the show with 50 people, and really wanted to, but felt too sick. i hope they are not angry with me.

my hair is getting longer. i am an idiot for chopping it off early this year. it was a cute cut, but i just miss the length a lot. now it is at a point where i look in the mirror and think "meh. it is longish." so that is positive.

nothing too exciting or witty to comment on. i apologize.

in further news: some people are so self absorbed it disturbs me, and also, i should probably not ever have a phone nearby me when i have been drinking. good lord.

the best parts of lonely.

lately my life has been good but somewhat uneventful.

i have had to ditch out on a few concerts with the girls because i have had so much to and no extra energy to do anything else. i feel bad about not partaking, but it is in my better interest to rest up and make sure i graduate in may.

speaking of may, 202 plans to throw a party for us girls who are graduating. should be good times.

this weekend is a show on friday with lyds and heather. the effects show is on saturday (a band that us 50 people became very close with at sxsw), and white light riot is also playing with my boys the spill canvas the same night. maybe there is a way to catch the effects, and then hang out with the spill boys afterward. i ditched nick last time he was in town, so i need to see him this time. speaking of tsc, jen hung out with them in LA and said 'hi' for me. aw. her and i have good times with her tolerating my craziness at shows.

i am also hanging out with this guy zac on sunday. we are going to have cocktails and talk, i think. should be good. of course he is a gemini. but him and i already worked through that issue, haha.

i also am so in love with my internship. i didn't go for a month after sxsw. i just had far too much on my plate. but going back was like i had never missed. annamarie and i talked for an hour about funny stories and how she knows the honorary title, etc... i just love that place. i will be sad if and when i have to depart. i still want to be a part of everything that i going on there.

that's about it.

ciao, babies!

and you think your saturday was interesting?

dave's birthday. sticker wars. jukebox serenades. old school song shout-alongs. irresponsible text messages. inside joke picture messages. meg's return. elmo hot tomato used strategically. multiple mystery shots. sometimes two at a time. clinical dave. meeting someone who is actually from montana. meeting girls i didn't hate. meeting guys who weren't creepy mccreeps. dying phones. threatening messages. massive amounts of drunkness on all accounts. epileptic jelly rings. making waitresses confused and angry. stake-out at kalgren's. forcible phone calls. peeing on vehicles and streets. construction barricade theft and relocation. garage torture. purple sleeping bags. the "size" conversation and pictures. gasoline possibilities. duct tape possibilities and theft. attempted escape to basement. failed attempt at bonfire. frozen toes. frozen butts. warm hearts. jag and diet coke circle in garage. "never ever have i ever." wheat thins. good talks. goodbyes. great night.

black and white photographs.

a thursday night thundersnow redefines my perception
i may be convinced that this world has been reinvented
a partition to separate our past from our current place
to distinguish between dysfunction and refreshing grace
porch lights illuminate the stoop where our breath converged
dialogue on insecurities and all of the colors we have learned
sound of distant motorcades coming to take you away
tears through my front yard.

rainbow bright incarnate.

i know you are jealous, but reign it in.

this isn't high school or homecoming //

attempting to make up for the inadequacies of your youth and your current lack-luster career by giving up the integrity that you once so beautifully had a hold on, is a poor way to assert yourself in this world.

who you have become disappoints me.

stop blaming everyone else for your plight, and buy some genuine character with the two cents i would be glad to give you.

take note: perhaps "fuck off" is too kind.

i have come to the conclusion, with the help of a talk with heather dagger, that i am over working for the hearts of people who do not appreciate the effort. done. i spend too much time agonizing and worrying about whether or not someone is receiving my affections and returning them. again and again the mantra of the backbone gang comes to mind:

if you like someone, you like someone.

there is no justification for spending so much time and care over people who refuse to return the same. of course new people and situations arise where one must put forth initial effort. but for those who have been treated to these courtesies for years, no more.

this is what most of my nights consist of.

i am in love with a girl named kat.

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:06:46 PM): cant we get someone to sponsor us

Caught In Beauty (1:07:37 PM): honestly.

Caught In Beauty (1:07:42 PM): that is SUCH a damned good idea.

Caught In Beauty (1:08:23 PM): we needdd to figure out a way to be able to pay bills and still be on the road and travel ha

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:08:31 PM): like a really wealthy person that can live vicariously through our soon-to-be-had good times

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:08:51 PM): and we can even let said person get in on the good times once in a while

Caught In Beauty (1:10:36 PM): why not? why couldnt we? haha we will send the person video blogs and photo updates of said good times.

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:10:53 PM): okay lets find this person

Caught In Beauty (1:11:36 PM): where do we start. and if it is a man, do we make it clear in the agreement that they cannot be expected to sleep with us while providing money? haha

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:14:12 PM): haha and it cant be a girl unless she is so ugly

Caught In Beauty (1:14:36 PM): hahaha

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:22:14 PM): ill hunt around here and you hunt around there

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:22:23 PM): once you spot a rich socially retarded person

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:22:26 PM): befriend them

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:22:30 PM): i will do the same

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:22:36 PM): we will beat the system

Caught In Beauty (1:22:37 PM): HAHA

Caught In Beauty (1:22:41 PM): fuck yeah!!!

Caught In Beauty (1:22:51 PM): bahaha. you crack me up. i love it.

lmNothingSpeciaI (1:22:58 PM): i try

Caught In Beauty (1:23:07 PM): so modest. so modest. ;]

one for every day // that you were gone

and we have a great relationship // based on things that can't be said.

in another life we will meet as friends.
you'll be beautiful, and i'll be warned.

and if we go back to stars we won’t need any money // we won't need these poor hearts

dentist today. bleh. nice people working on my teeth, but lord. why do they ask you questions when they have their hands all up in your mouth? do they really want you to answer so that you knock their hand the wrong way, and oops there goes a tooth? maybe that is their ploy. so that you will have to come back to get the damage repaired. i still feel obliged to answer though, and unable to do so.

kat and i are scheming and crossing the fingers for her possible adventure out to minneapolis next weekend. arg. i really hope so. i adore that girl. and NEED to have hangs, stat! if not that, we are planning to road trip with heather dagger this summer down to arizona to visit everyone we know. either way. something needs to be done.

apparently i may go out tonight for free drinks with heather, tiffany, and lydia? if anyone receives drunk texts, i apologize in advance. :[

i love weekends. three days in full of procrastination and sleep. i could live off of procrastination and sleep. i swear i could. can you test me? and pay me for it? i would be fully willing, if so.

it is also silly how one silly little thing can make a silly little girl's day.

i can be so utterly pathetic sometimes.

wake the sun.

so last night i had high hopes of taking a small sleep to wake up at 4a and finish my homework. my alarm went off, and i was amazed at how much i was accomplishing and how much fun i was having while doing it. until... some penguins showed up.

then i realized. hey! wait a minute... this may be a dream. and woke up to my shut-off alarm, current time reading 6:30a. dammit! don't you hate that. sneaky kittens!

i also learned:

-coffee builds a barrier in your brain against alzheimer's.

-drinking 8 glasses of water a day does absolutely nothing for your health. unless you are a cross-country 10-mile-a-day runner who needs to rehydrate.

suddenly my life choices seem far improved.

but jupiter, please, will you raise your fists?

plato wisely once said that:

Man's soul, in a former state, was winged and soared among the gods; and so it comes to pass, that, in this life, when the soul, by the power of music or poetry, or the sight of beauty, hath her remembrance quickened, forthwith there is a struggling and a pricking pain as of wings trying to come forth,--even as children in teething.

i have always thought that i have lived many past lives. but now i think that i have lived none. i imagine that in that former state i would have carefully observed dewinged humanity; would have watched hearts destroyed, the last lovers' embrace, the lonely despair. i would have seen empires fall, callousness build, and eras end. i would have taken note of what crushes the strong, how the weak exist, and how the wingless forget. i imagine that after many decades i began to fly only at night in attempt to avoid the accusing sunlight that was shed on these embarrassing displays. i am sure i would have dreaded the day when i would be born unto an existence where i would have to partake in these horrors; these tragedies of failure and loss.

perhaps this is why i prefer the company of music, than to the company of others; why i distrust intentions, than easily rest in them; why i would rather sleep away the day, than to venture out in it. perhaps those who have lived here so long have forgotten the lessons they have learned among the gods. perhaps they have experienced too much hurt to dwell upon it in any more length. or perhaps they simply do not wish to remember a time when they had to wrestle with the prospect of this weighty mortality.

i might be inclined to be yours for the taking // and part of this terrible mess that you're making

postscript: but i refuse to be your fucking catalyst.

i keep burning my fingers to light this flame.

i try to keep faith.
but it is difficult to believe in something that i have never seen.

youth is like diamonds in the sun // and diamonds are forever

one of the best weekends i have had in a very very long time.

thursday:

varsity for weaver at the loom and this world fair. was a very good night. went with heather dagger and lydia slayer, which is always a great time. saw mo and cherise. ran into mike minehart and had some good talks about the future of music. then ran into luke outside. met some of zack's friends. bought twf's new full length cd, which i am hopelessly in love with. those boys are talented. rocked out front row to twf (with the help of some wine). and left in very high spirits.


saturday:

fineline for white light riot. it seemed like everyone was there. 50records people (who i have missed terribly since living with them at sxsw), the alarmists, mo, cherise, steven, derek, ck, george, tyler, gabe, natasha, dave, producer jason, mike minehart, etc... the whole show was golden, but of course i was mainly looking forward to rocking out to white light riot. again, with the help of some wine we stood in front and danced and sang our little hearts out. what i love about wlr is their ability to put on a show where everyone feels the need to just groove it out. so many people dancing, and no one judging anyone. at shows like twf i feel like people are staring daggers into us if we dance, but at wlr every single person was expected to be dancing. ha. it was so enjoyable. later, lydia slayer brought me and jen together. she has now left to live in LA, and that night was one of her last nights in town. we had not spoken for months and months, but it was really really good to talk things out a little bit and let go of the weight of grudge. yes. we ended up bawling. go figure, huh? it was slightly amusing as well, because all of our band boys kept walking by shaking their heads, and later george asked heather "so all it took was someone to bring jen over and you guys say hi, and everyone is crying and okay?" yes george, it is. it was a very good thing. and i am very glad it happened. i also wish jen well in LA.

sunday:

fineline for the honorary title. the show i had been looking forward to all week. i had recently found out that mike schey (formally the guitarist for the format) was now playing in that band, which heather and i had already planned on seeing. it was absolutely amazing to be able to hug my schey again after so long, and be able to hang out. they killed the show and afterward we went to luce for a slice and then all hung out at brothers for dollar drinks. not crowded. and not bad. the night went on for hours. it was one of those strange strange nights, that were made perfect in the company with you. i am omitting many details, but it was a needed hang. those guys are all quality, and it was refreshing to meet new people. people who have hearts and wit and something of substance. magic, man. pure magic.